Category Archive: chimps

Sep
08

Lab Chimps Feel Sun for First Time in 30 Years

Lab chimps finally let outside embrace.

On Tuesday, 38 lab chimps were allowed outside for the first time in thirty years.  Taken from Africa, their mothers slaughtered, they had been locked in cages and were victims of a terrible series of experiments in an attempt to find a cure for HIV. This program achieved absolutely nothing. Hooked up to machines and pumped full of …

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Oct
08

Charlie the Smoking Chimpanzee Dies

charlie the chimp

Charlie the smoking chimpanzee died of a heart attack on Wednesday and it wasn’t smoking that killed him.  The average chimp lives to 40 and Charlie lived to 52. Charlie was one of the first things I posted about on this blog, way back in 2005, and I stand by what I said then: Smoking …

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May
11

Monkey Washes Cat

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Apr
27

Chimps React to Death

chimpcinder625feb17

pic nicked from here Chimps seem to have a similar reaction to the death of a group member as humans.  No, they don’t all put on black ties and get drunk around the corpse.  Rather, they comfort the dying and then appear to experience trauma.  Some chimp mothers even refuse to let go of their …

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Feb
27

Chimp in Rehab

smoking chimp zhora

Many people find it cruel to allow a chimp to smoke and drink.  If someone was shipping Johnny Walker and Marlboros into the wild and selling them to the chimps, I’d agree.  But when a captive ape takes up smoking and drinking, I cheer it on. Sending said ape to rehab is cruel. A caged …

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Sep
04

Chimpanzee Fetus

chimpanzee fetus on Flickr – Photo Sharing!.

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Jul
15

Primate Archaeology

chimp fmaily and tools

While I’m busy messing around with all the new features on my blog, a new scientific discipline is being created:  Primate archaeology. This will focus on the use of tools and its history not just in humans but in all primate species. We now know that we’re not the only animals who use tools.  So …

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Apr
30

Chimp Attacks Owl (Man's Role in Nature)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8p72wmR5H4&feature=related]

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Feb
18

Heroic Chimp Goes Sane; Is Shot by Human

travis-chimp

Travis the chimp is getting a bad rap.  While he did maul a woman and attack the police before being shot to death, it’s a bit unfair to say he went berserk. If a human did that, sure, he went berserk.  But a chimp? You might as well get angry at a German for eating …

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Jan
26

Nice Chimps Become Alphas

chimp-dictators

Researchers have discovered that being nice is the key to chimps becoming powerful alphas. Between a bully who does not return grooming and a smaller ape who is an obsessive groomer, the smaller ape wins control of the group and his pick of the female population. This shows what I’ve often suspected.  All of that …

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Sep
24

Chimps Can Recognize Friends by the Ass

monica_bellucci_ass

Researchers have discovered that chimps can identify members of their group by their bums. In the test they were able to correctly match an ass with the correct face.  And not once did they get all angry and say: “My ass, your face.”  Nor did they express a desire to “tap that ass.” One can …

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Jan
31

Chimps Dislike Commodity Trading

Now that the economy is going into the shitter, it’s time to ask that age old question: What would a chimp do? (W.W.C.D.) Chimps like to trade services. Their whole economy is based –literally– on “you scratch my back and I scratch yours.”  Even primitive jerks like macaques (some chimps have –I’m serious– been known …

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Jan
27

Chimps Killed by Eco-Tourism

No one likes a tourist and chimps are no different. Eco-tourists and scientists who gawk at these great apes have been giving them colds. Colds kill chimps. The only question is whether the tourism saves more chimps than it kills. Half the members of habitated groups of apes are dying because of human-passed respiratory illness. …

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Jan
09

Chimpanzee Role Models

It’s been well known for a while that chimpanzees have culture. What has been recently discovered is how they transmit it. Turns out they’re a lot like people. Chimps use role models and, even more interestingly, these role models must be fellow apes. Humans can imitate anything. We can use chimps as role models, if …

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Dec
13

The Memory of Chimps

A few weeks ago chimps beat humans on a memory test. This was big news because we’re an incredibly arrogant species. Anyone who has read anything about chimps would not be terribly surprised. They’re better at us at certain mental tasks. A lot of animals are better than us at a lot of things. Let’s …

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Dec
21

Half-Man, Half-Ape, All Commie

Being a fan of Papa Joe, I have to admit that I’m not very surprised that he wanted to create an army of super-apes. Who doesn’t? I would love an army of apes and so would you. Don’t lie. You know you would. What does surprise me, however, is just how stupid people in the …

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