The Grumpy Owl

Just found my baby book while cleaning.  Here’s some of Mother’s notes:

“Ryan was an extremely good-natured little fellow – crying only when he was hungry.  He enjoyed travel; new places and faces and lots of attention.  Ryan had a winning smile for everyone and was a true little “charmer.” By six weeks, he was sleeping soundly thru’ the night and often he would awake with a smile to wish me good morning! Ryan was a BIG baby and at the age of 3 months was wearing some of his new outfits sized to fit 12-18 month old babies!!”

I have no idea what happened either.

Tags: baby, baby book, Ryan Oakley

I’ve been feeling strangely restless of late and last night, at about 2 am, I asked the wife if she intended to be awake until dawn.  Like me, she’s a night owl and usually goes to bed shortly before the sun comes out.  ”What time is dawn?” she asked.   I checked the weather network and found that the sun rose at 6:28.  Having informed her of this, I was pleased to learn that she would be awake.

“Let’s go to the park,” I said.  ”And look at birds.”

She found this idea agreeable and grabbed her camera.  We both wore pink, which garnered immediate compliments from cyclists.  For both of us!  This is quite odd as it’s usually my plumage that attracts notice while I tend to reduce the people beside me to invisibility.  ”Try to upstage me again,” I said to my dear wife, “and I will cut you.”

Taking my comment as a challenge rather than a warning, she pulled her switchblade and lunged towards my throat. Using the akido I learned in previous relationships, I disarmed her.  Our struggle brought us close together and our fight quickly escalated into passionate lovemaking on the sidewalk outside of the mini-mall.  This garnered no compliments from anyone.  It did attract the notice of the police.  Decoying them with the box of Timbits we keep for such purposes, we escaped into the park.

It was a shockingly beautiful morning.  So beautiful, that I had threaten to cut it too.

Pictures with captions after the jump.  None have been manipulated in any way.

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Tags: bespoke, dandy, high park, park, pink suit, Ryan Oakley, walk

A picture of me last winter, maybe the winter before. I’m not sure.

Taken by ShoMerde.

Tags: Ryan Oakley, shomerde

I wrote a guest editorial for Auxiliary Magazine.  You can download the pdf here.  I did not write my bio and I’m not taking any responsibility for that.

Auxiliary is an alternative fashion, music and lifestyle magazine - available online and in print– and I was asked to do something that related to alt culture.  I don’t really know what alt culture is or where I fit into it.  Am I an alternative?  I doubt it.  I did drop out of high-school instead of riding the office train to retirement at sixty five but, far as I can tell, I never had alternative to being myself.  Most of the important decisions I made turned out to be irreversible before I knew they were important.  I suspect most people are in the same boat.

Not really sure what to write, cognizant that people only listen to me because I dress well and determined to give the public what they want, I wrote an editorial comparing alt culture to the dandy. Seemed apt.  And, if not, at least it’s some bullshit I can stand behind.  Or in front of.  I do have a book to promote, ya know.

I don’t read many magazines but Auxiliary seems decent, which is a shame.  I prefer indecent publications like American Conservative or anything else that includes splayed vaginas like Pat Buchanan.  But Auxiliary lacks nudity and remains suspiciously quiet on the state of the American family and illegal immigration.

I suspect “alt” is just a codeword for secret homosexual, communist Illuminati agenda.

Aside from myself, you’ll find a lot of pictures.  If, for some reason you prefer reading to gawking at (clothed!?) goth girls, there’s Clint Catalyst, Nina Flowers, industrial band Android Lust and Andy Deane as well as an interview with Michael Swaim of little known humor site Cracked.com.

Anyway, go have a look.  Enjoy or don’t.  I’m not going to tell you how to live your fucking life.

Tags: alt culture, auxiliary magazine, editorial, grumpy owl, Ryan Oakley

To impress a selection of war criminals, our government recently spent a small fortune on an artificial lake and some wooden deck chairs.  Since the wife and I are not war criminals (yet) we were not allowed anywhere near this costly display.  So we decided to accept the next best thing: A trip to the Muskokas.

We were surprised to discover that real lakes and chairs are much larger than their fake counterparts.

Size is relative.

The trip was partly a much needed vacation and a chance for my wife to spend some time with my family so that she might ally with them against me.

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As I take people like Oscar Wilde, Cicero and Friedrich Reck-Malleczenwen as my models of political dissent, I think it’s important to remember that even in horrible times, especially then, beauty, dignity and basic human decency are of paramount importance.  Although they are the first things to become improbable, you must never allow your better parts to become impossible.  So, as counterpoint to the barbarity of the weekend, I’m collecting some images of myself in some nice bloody suits.  Because this is an image heavy post, there’s a jump.  So, if you want to see more, jump!

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Tags: anarcho-dandyism, dandarchism, dandy, G20, style, toronto

Does this look like a trouble maker to you?

Well, maybe . . .

YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!!!

Tags: canon theatre, cats, Ryan Oakley

On Thursday March 4th 2010, I married Shalome Hill.

I’ll always remember this date.  After all, it was the same day that Roy Halladay made his first spring training start in a Phillies uniform, pitching two hitless innings against the hated New York Yankees.  It was an important day.

Especially for new contracts.

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YouTube – Ryan’s Announcement..

I’m getting married today.

I promised you some pics of me playing ping pong and here you go.

I’m turning into a five year old.  These days, when someone invites me over, my first question is:  “What games do you have?”  If they don’t have any games, fuck ‘em.  I’m done with sitting around and talking like a bunch of grown ups.  I was right when I was a kid:  Adults are boring.

I’ve said and heard enough. So have you.  These days, if I want to know what you think, I’ll read your Facebook.  If I’m actually going to see you, I actually want to do something.  Sitting in a dark room, watching you drink, just doesn’t cut it.

There’s only two things to do in life: Play games or talk about games.  It’s more fun to play them.

. . . I will crush you all with my robot army!

But it was never really here in the first place.  What a lot of rain and chill we had!

Anyway, just a picture of me in the backyard on one of the few nice days.  With me is a good friend (the dog) and a sworn enemy (the cat).

I know many of you might have thought I was exaggerating when I compared that cat to Hitler.  Well, these days, when not throwing other animals off fire escapes, this evil son of a bitch is breaking into people’s homes at 3am to fight their cats beneath their beds.  He does have balls.

Or he used to.

I can’t even imagine how he behaved before the operation.

And another one from earlier that same day.

I’m laying on the grass at The Ex.  I have no idea what I’m sneering at.  It was a cheerful day.  I’d bought a peacock fan from a Filipino.

Pic by John MacDonald