Sep 15
Of all the things I had to toss out in the past week, the very easiest to deal with was my clothes. It might be because I didn’t have to toss any of them out. I had already rationalized my closet. It’s been purged of everything except bespoke and work uniforms. Though it will doubtless continue to …
Sep 12
I remember mother sitting at my bedside, telling me stories about animals who needed rescuing and the brave little boy who rescued them. I remember the jungle print wall paper, some poster on my door that had pictures of lions and tigers and elephants. The tagline: “It’s a jungle out there.” I remember the very …
Sep 06
Like any community of malcontents and weirdos, writers have certain quirks in common. One of these is the trunk. While it might look like someone just sits down and writes a novel, the process is much sloppier than that. Stories are started and abandoned. Some are finished but remain awful. There are pages of notes, …
Sep 04
Purging induces nostalgia. Stalin must have occasionally sat back, sipped his vodka and thought fondly back on the days when he was Koba. Perhaps, as he starved millions of Ukrainians, he’d gaze at some laughing picture of Lenin and him, everyone else erased as the current policy demanded, and wonder how he’d gone from a …
Jun 13
So now you’re me. You wake up braced for failure, you spend too much time getting dressed and then you blog about it. You go to work and then you socialize by ignoring people. But still, you aren’t having a great deal of sex. That’s about it. Now you’re Ryan Oakley. There’s only one more …
Jun 13
Women like suits. Most men read my clothing as an attempt to attract the interest of women rather than reading this interest as an unfortunate consequence of my clothing. I see them grumbling in clubs, see their frowns and furrowed brows, that sad, Neanderthal stare as they try to figure out why the girls are …
Jun 12
My entire social life revolves around three things. The first being work. I like all of my co-workers. They’re my friends in much the same way that one has their army buddies. After going through the meat grinder, we hang out. Although we often talk about what a dick this customer was or how nice …
Jun 11
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGDndcxH-O4&feature=related] So now you’re into day two of being me. You’re dressed for success but ready to fail. Yesterday you worked twelve and a half hours in 30 degree weather so you’re a bit sore. You woke up at one in the afternoon and are just getting ready for another day at work. You’re drinking …
Jun 10
I’ll just get right to the clothes. When people want to be me, this is the aspect they most typically desire to ape. I can see why. I remember my Nan sitting me down and slurring: “Ryan, some men have good looks, others have a good personality, you should get a good suit.” So, without …
Jun 08
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI5Z9B7dki4] When I told a friend that I was going to do this “How to be Ryan Oakley” theme week she offered her assistance. She said: “Step One: Eat like a duck. Step Two: Live in own filth. Step Three: Give up on hopes and dreams, drag everyone around down with you, and fill your …
