I’m back in the city. The big smoking, stinking city. The screaming crackheads and sirens city. The place where no one knows your name and no one wants to. I’m home.
Category Archive: holidays
Feb 14
Obligatory Valentine's Day Post
I must have my holidays confused. I just put a turkey in the oven. Cooking one is much harder than it seems. He really didn’t want to go in there. And by turkey, I mean pigeon. Also I didn’t really stick it in the oven; I drowned it in the bath. And by bath, I …
Dec 31
Braced
I’m bracing myself. Right now, I’m sitting in my housecoat and pajamas, drinking a cinnamon and hazelnut coffee, smoking a pipe and bracing myself. I am dreading the walk home along Queen West tonight. The streets will be full of some of the most vile humans there are: People looking for a good time. …
Dec 27
Rooftop Pool
Well, I survived Christmas even though I did not get what I asked for: A rooftop swimming pool like this one in Dallas. Cheap bastards. I did, however, manage to break my Nan’s plumbing while having a shower. I’m already paranoid in other people’s homes; especially their bathrooms. I’m not sure why but I think …
Dec 23
Making Christmas Worse
I know it’s asking for trouble but I listen to conspiracy radio. I also listen to a lot of right wing, angry-old-white-people talk radio. The maniacs on both amuse me. I still haven’t figured out which group is crazier. Some of these people really need professional help. Instead the hosts just encourage their delusions to …
Dec 19
The Tip Gods Come Through in the End
I’m a standard waiter. When you think of me serving tables, think of Ron Howard. I’m competent but nothing special. This is reflected in my tips which, when counted at the end of the night, are almost always a perfect 15%. It’s usually within five dollars of that mark and, when it does screw up, …
Dec 14
Separate Santa and State
This year, Santa seems obsessed with blow jobs. Microsoft’s Santabot had to be discontinued because it kept saying things like “It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else….” The Canadian Post Office has shut down their write to Santa program because letters have been sent that say things …
Dec 08
New Holiday Declared: "Regret Day"
I’m declaring a new holiday. New Year’s Day should now be considered “Regret Day.” Just like people make resolutions on New Year’s Eve, I think New Year’s Day itself, January 1, is a good day to think about your regrets. Since some of us may be awaking with strange people in strange places after saying …
Dec 07
My Christmas Hate Diamond
Every year, around this time, I start doing my part for the war against Christmas. Why? Because I fucking hate Christmas. I hate that idiot carpenter who was allegedly born, I hate that fat, red-suited lie we tell to children and I hate the shopping frenzy. I loathe the forced family time, the mandatory cheer, …
Nov 13
Remembering Remembrance Day — Two Days Too Late
It’s time to declare Remembrance Day a failure and to do away with it. Having said that, I did buy a poppy. My Nan is in The Legion. I don’t mind giving them a couple of bucks; mainly because they provide cheap beer and were the last holdouts against the anti-smoking campaign. But I don’t …
- Author (Aurora Award Shortlisted, Technicolor Ultra Mall)
- Blogger (Obviously)
- Critic (Various Places, Various Things)
- Speaker (Panels, contest judge, etc.)
- One of Toronto's 12 Most Stylish (Toronto Life)
- Futurist (The weather will be . . .)
- Husband (Over two years now.)
- Worker (Cause writing is glamour.)
- Dandy (But probably not how you mean it.)
- Contact ( ryan dot oakley at gmail dot com)
