Category Archive: holidays
Feb
14
Feb
14
Valentine’s Day (Quit Bitching You Lucky Single Pricks)
I never want to hear another single person complain about Valentine’s Day. You have no reason to complain. You’re single! If anything, you should be happy. Being single on Valentine’s Day is like being an atheist during Easter Mass. You have no obligations and tomorrow the chocolate goes on sale. No one is making you …
Jan
02
Below Blooming Cherry Blossoms
As if a blogger needs a special day to talk about themselves . . . But if I let one pass, I’ll probably have my blogging licence revoked. 2010 was a long year. Something like 365 days. And some of those days seemed to be of greater personal import than others. I was married on March 4 …
Dec
26
Christmas Crown
For as long as I can remember, my family has broke out Christmas crackers and eaten dinner in paper crowns. The Christmas Cracker was invented in 1847 by a London baker named Tom Smith. These were originally called Cosaques after the crack of the Cossack’s whip. As for the paper crown, this apparently takes its roots from …
Dec
24
Last Minute Gift Ideas
I took care of my Christmas shopping one day earlier than normal this year. (Normal is a funny word to apply here, since I don’t normally do any Christmas shopping.) But I know some people are out there looking for gifts. And with today’s portable internets, maybe this quick guide can help these poor, wretched …
Oct
27
Oct
20
Revealed by Masks
Lying is an ability related to intelligence and humans are quite intelligent or, at least, they say they are. And there is no lie more intelligent or honest than a mask.
Jul
11
A Real Lake
To impress a selection of war criminals, our government recently spent a small fortune on an artificial lake and some wooden deck chairs. Since the wife and I are not war criminals (yet) we were not allowed anywhere near this costly display. So we decided to accept the next best thing: A trip to the Muskokas. …
Jul
01
Canada Day
It’s Canada Day and I usually like to mark the occasion with some flag vandalism, a rant against the nation state in general and this one in particular, and then spend the next six months sifting through a selection of insults, threats and various other comments. I’m not in the mood this year. Usually, my …
Feb
16
Belated Valentines Day
I didn’t invite the internet to Valentines Day. Sorry internet. I actually like this strange holiday. Not because its a celebration of romantic love –I celebrate my romantic love the old fashioned way: by fucking– but because it’s just so very sadistic towards lonely people. In the depths of gloomy February, when you haven’t felt …
Dec
18
Westboro Baptist Church: Santa Claus Will Take You to Hell
YouTube – Westboro Baptist Church: Santa Claus Will Take You to Hell. There’s no such thing as Santa. Or Hell. But the Westboro Baptist Church is real and they have an important message about both. For some reason.
Oct
12
YouTube – Thanksgiving Prayer William S Burroughs
YouTube – Thanksgiving Prayer William S Burroughs.
Apr
26
The Environment is a Dead Monster
Earth Day came and went, making all the difference to the melting glaciers that Live Aid made to Africa. That is, none. People trotted out the empty platitudes about how every day should be Earth Day, tried to hawk sustainable, organic wares in the market of spectacle and beg money for charities that have accomplished …
Mar
17
St. Patrick's Day
I’m half English and half Irish. Problem is, it’s the wrong halves. Mother is North Irish Protestant and Father is South London Catholic. I’m basically what happens when a Jewish Palestinian marries a Muslim Israeli. Or something like that. But the Irish have a song for everyone. Except me. The closest they have for me …
Feb
13
Blackheart Day
pic nicked from here With the election of popular Negro Barrack Obama, white people ended racism for all time. Yet, I don’t hear a lot of black people thanking me. I haven’t received a card, an email or even a friendly handshake on the street. I’m beginning to suspect that black people are ungrateful. But, …
Dec
31
Obligatory New Year's Post
I loathe New Years Eve. Of all the holidays, this is the worst. Transit is a mess, there’s no such thing as a taxi and the streets are full of the very worst type of people. People desperate to have fun. People realizing that they’re not going to. There’s no way to win. If you …
Dec
25
Merry Christmas
But just remember, it’s not all gifts and charities and peace on earth. If you’ve been bad –and I know some of you have been– Krampus is coming for you. And he’s not happy.
Nov
01
Happy Halloween
Halloween is my favourite holiday. There’s none of that family nonsense and I like to see people getting all dressed up for no reason. The women look good and the men look no more foolish than usual. But this year I’m not doing anything party related for it. I’ll be working. This is a good …
Sep
10
(No title)
It’s nice to sit down and do nothing for an evening. One would assume that I’ve been doing a lot of that — seeing that I’m on vacation. The assumption would be wrong. For the past two days, I’ve been turning the blue room green. This has been quite a bit of work. Enjoyable though. …
Jul
12
A View of the Country
I’m back in the city. The big smoking, stinking city. The screaming crackheads and sirens city. The place where no one knows your name and no one wants to. I’m home.
Feb
14
Obligatory Valentine's Day Post
I must have my holidays confused. I just put a turkey in the oven. Cooking one is much harder than it seems. He really didn’t want to go in there. And by turkey, I mean pigeon. Also I didn’t really stick it in the oven; I drowned it in the bath. And by bath, I …
Dec
31
Braced
I’m bracing myself. Right now, I’m sitting in my housecoat and pajamas, drinking a cinnamon and hazelnut coffee, smoking a pipe and bracing myself. I am dreading the walk home along Queen West tonight. The streets will be full of some of the most vile humans there are: People looking for a good time. …
Dec
27
Rooftop Pool
Well, I survived Christmas even though I did not get what I asked for: A rooftop swimming pool like this one in Dallas. Cheap bastards. I did, however, manage to break my Nan’s plumbing while having a shower. I’m already paranoid in other people’s homes; especially their bathrooms. I’m not sure why but I think …
Dec
23
Making Christmas Worse
I know it’s asking for trouble but I listen to conspiracy radio. I also listen to a lot of right wing, angry-old-white-people talk radio. The maniacs on both amuse me. I still haven’t figured out which group is crazier. Some of these people really need professional help. Instead the hosts just encourage their delusions to …
Dec
19
The Tip Gods Come Through in the End
I’m a standard waiter. When you think of me serving tables, think of Ron Howard. I’m competent but nothing special. This is reflected in my tips which, when counted at the end of the night, are almost always a perfect 15%. It’s usually within five dollars of that mark and, when it does screw up, …
Although Ryan Oakley began his career as a simple rake (drunk) he has since become Toronto’s most renowned flaneur (no car) and notorious dandy (overdresses). A misanthropic composer of psycho-geographical fictions (sci-fi), he is also a server of food, a tender of bar and a washer of dishes. While performing all these functions with efficiency and elegance (disdain and malice), he somehow finds the time to publicly criticize friends, strangers and cultural crap.
