Nov
30
It’s hard to invent a new drink. Bartenders have been bored into becoming mad chemists for years. These days, the standard thing to do is to mix some fancy crap with some vodka and call it a “blank-tini.” But that shouldn’t stop one from trying. The other night, bored like many a bartender before, I …
Jul
27
Mothers Against Drunk Driving is at it again: Come August, if you are below 22, you will need a zero alcohol blood level to drive a car. It’s unreasonable but not unexpected. This is one of the very worst charities in existence. MADD was founded by a decent woman with decent intentions. Candy Lightner, whose …
Apr
09
pic nicked from here When I was sixteen, Nan sat me on her lap and gave me some advice: “Never trust a man who doesn’t drink, smoke or swear.” I can only imagine what she would think of bottled water. The woman is still alive, of course, but I doubt she’s aware that anything other …
Mar
04
pic nicked from here In a stunning scientific breakthrough, researchers have discovered a relationship between owning alcohol branded clothing and teenage drinking. There’s not yet any word about what owning a bandanna covered in pot leaves may indicate. But wearing a beer shirt does say something else about a young man. It says: “I have …
Nov
03
pic of Liana K nicked from Nerd Girl Pinups Sometimes, when people forget to invite me to a party, I just invite myself. I’ll even pay the occasional cover charge. But I do have limits. I will never line up. Life is too short. I refuse to wait to be somewhere when I’m already wherever …
Jun
28
real bespoke by Don of Trend Custom Tailors for yours truly Lean in nice and close kids, old Grumpy wants to tell you a secret: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A VODKA MARTINI! A martini is gin and dry vermouth. It is not vermouth and vodka, it is not vodka and a liqueur, it …
Jun
14
It’s not new, it’s not real and it’s not a condition. But it’s still being reported on. DRUNKREXIA!!!, This newest menace to the fairer sex is characterized by the liquid lunch. When women drink without eating, they’re not girls with a straight sense of priorities. Oh No. They’re DRUNOKREXIC!!! How do you know if you …
May
17
I knew it was going to happen. The people who brought us the smoking bans are now changing focus. “To what and who?” you might ask. “Isn’t obvious?” I would reply. “To your vices and you.” The WHO has developed a global strategy for “The War on Drink.” And it’s based on their war on …
Dec
24
Alcoholics Anonymous is an evil cult. Their meetings lead to nothing except more meetings. You never outgrow it, you never “get better” you just keep discovering problems you didn’t even know you had. Mark the sober days off on your calender like you’re in prison and earn your little badge. It disgusts me. The people …
Jun
07
I’m pretty tired today. Last night I went to an art opening. Being a kind sort of person, I brought some people back to my place for an after-after-party. They cleared out at about five. I think they spilled more gin than they drank. Left quite a bit on the table too. But they did …
May
06
Everyone is giving David Hasselhoff too much shit for getting drunk and eating a hamburger on the floor. That is one of the best ways to enjoy a hamburger. I don’t even drink anymore and I know that. I even approve of it. You’d have to insane to try eating a Hero Burger sober. If …
Apr
26
Although I’ve quit both I like to encourage this behavior in others. I don’t believe that there’s anything wrong with drinks or most drugs. I’m simply too stupid and ill-disciplined for them. Even a drop of potion is dangerous to a man of my special brand of moronism. While Dr. Jekyll may have his manners, …
Apr
17
I’m always surprised at how much I enjoy drunk people when I’m sober. It’s strange because I always hated sober people when I was drunk. Actually, I kinda hate them when I’m sober too. It may sound like I’m sitting on a high horse, thinking – oh you poor debauched fools, but it’s nothing like …
Feb
03
I went to an art show tonight. It’s not something that I often do. When I drank, they were an event that I was often forcibly removed from. I don’t mix well with creative types sober or drunk. The difference is when sober, I’m shy; when drunk I’m a fucking disaster. A noisy trainwreck who …
Jan
20
Well folks, it’s gonna be a new owl around here. A leaner, meaner and even grumpier owl. That’s right, Grumpy is going to sober up. Why, you might ask? Mind your own fucking business, I might say. But I won’t say that. If I wanted to say that I wouldn’t blog about it, would I? …
Dec
29
I’ve been a bit grumpier than normal lately. I think it might have something to do with Roboexotica. You see, while I was in Toronto, writing book reviews, other people were in Vienna, covering a cocktail-robot convention. Yup, cocktail-robots. It’s actually a good thing that I wasn’t there. I like robots and I love the …
Dec
24
It’s that time of year. The time when strange voices on radio and television will give you that strange advice: “Drink Responsibly.” Let me now publicly offer these people a hearty “Go fuck yourself.” I haven’t drank responsibly all year and I don’t plan on starting over the holidays. There once was a time when …
Dec
14
We drunkards have a reason to raise our glasses tonight. (As if we needed one.) MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) has suspended fundraising. This is not to say that I’m in favour of drunk driving. I’m not in favour of any sort of driving. To do it drunk, you’d have to be drunk. But I …
Dec
01
I hate The View. It’s on during the height of your hangover and it’s a bunch of women sitting around and talking. Do women watch this? I think they’re supposed to, but I cannot actually believe that they do. I honestly cannot even imagine the person who watches this show. It is utterly beyond me. …
Sep
22
Have you ever wondered how to get rich quick? Well, I have the answer via The Reason Foundation. Drink. Their recent study has discovered that “men who drink earn 10 percent more than abstainers and women drinkers earn 14 percent more than nondrinkers.“ And it’s not just because we have to work harder to afford …
Sep
14
People sometimes ask me how I’m doing. My family, in particular, has grown very worried about my alcohol intake since they discovered this blog. I would like to assure them that there is no way that I am drinking too much because I am not yet drunk enough. (The hooker here would disagree but she …
Sep
13
Today I went to a Walmart for the first time. I had never been to one, not because of some ethical issue, but simply because I don’t buy crap. And now, having visited, I am not sure that I will ever willingly return. I have never seen such a collection of deranged morons. Perhaps they …
Sep
08
Okay. I know that I’ve been posting about alcohol a lot lately. But you have to forgive me. I’m drunk. In the last post I mentioned The Beer Store, which made me wonder about The Liquor Store. Why are beer and liquor separated from each other and both separated from the food you may enjoy …
Sep
07
In Toronto, going to the bar has become a remarkably unpleasant experience. You aren’t allowed to smoke and if you aren’t surrounded by a bunch of shrieking hoochie mammas, who are determined to live out some desperate Coyote Ugly delusions on top of the bar, then there’s a Russian gangster giving you the ole’ dead …
Jun
28
You might not know this but owls have a bit of a reputation. Being tough as boiled owl means to be drunk and belligerent. Being owled means to be drunk. All of this comes from their large, glassy eyes, which remind some people – people who are likely stoned – of drunks. But, luckily, another …
Although Ryan Oakley began his career as a simple rake (drunk) he has since become Toronto’s most renowned flaneur (no car) and notorious dandy (overdresses). A misanthropic composer of psycho-geographical fictions (sci-fi), he is also a server of food, a tender of bar and a washer of dishes. While performing all these functions with efficiency and elegance (disdain and malice), he somehow finds the time to publicly criticize friends, strangers and cultural crap.
