The Grumpy Owl

A picture of me last winter, maybe the winter before. I’m not sure.

Taken by ShoMerde.

Tags: Ryan Oakley, shomerde

“A bartender must be a good listener.  He must be able to listen to five different conversations at one time and blend them all into one so that you have 10 happy people at the same time. Never discuss religion or politics. Memory! You must remember their drinks. And sometimes you must remember to forget who they are drinking with! And for my beautiful, beautiful ladies, I give them titles: Countess, Princess, Queen. Because I really believe that’s what they are.”

–St. Pat

daryl banks and his iphone.

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“Mac, you ever been in love?”

“No, I’ve been a bartender all my life.”

–Wyatt Earp, “My Darling Clementine”

“I have no particular love for the idealised ‘worker’ as he appears in the bourgeois Communist’s mind, but when I see an actual flesh-and-blood worker in conflict with his natural enemy, the policeman, I do not have to ask myself which side I am on.”

-George Orwell

daryl banks and his iphone.

Those are my hands.  I know them like the back of my hands.

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“Be in my joint in two hours, we’re forming a fuckin’ government.”

–Al Swearengen

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“The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind.”

~H.L. Mencken, 

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“Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’”

–Rodney Dangerfield

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“If drinking is interfering with your work, you’re probably a heavy drinker.  If work is interfering with your drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic.”

~Author Unknown

I’ve had this blog for about five years and never once mentioned where I work.  That was by design.  But it’s 2010 and keeping such secrets in the twitterverse is getting stupid-hard.  So why bother even trying?

I work at La Hacienda on Queen West.*

I’m coming clean now because I stand to make some money from doing so.  This Sunday, Kaewonder and I have organized a little party at the venue and you’re all invited.  We’ll be starting at 10pm and open until last call or until the last of you falls down.  Whatever comes first.   I’m not picky.

While I’m slinging the drinks, Kaewonder will be spinning psychedelic rock and soul every Sunday for a month.  If it works out, then for longer.  It’ll be good.

But those of you who know Toronto’s music history already know that.  It’s fucking La Hacienda.

Although this is the first DJ night, La Ha has always been about the music. When in Toronto, it’s the place that Brian Eno, Joey Ramone and Jello Biafra hit up for a burrito and a beer.  The local talent was usually working or staggering about the place.  Sometimes both.

What Bakka Books is to Toronto science fiction, once employing Cory Doctorow, Robert J. Sawyer and Nalo Hopkinson while serving everyone else, La Hacienda is to Toronto music.  It’s because the staff are allowed to play what we want at what volume we want.  And we all have excellent taste.  Whatever you may think.

It’s no fucking Starbucks.

But considering La Ha’s origins, that makes sense.  Founded in 1987 by a couple of west coast musicians:Daryl Smith, who owns a recording studio and Chris Roskelly of Yeti and Armed and Hammered, La Ha was an integral part of the Toronto punk scene.  It even hosted a skinhead vs punk riot.

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And, contrary to the NOW Review, Tom Paterson of Cottage Industry was not a  La Ha founding father.  He did co-manage with Chris through the 90s.

It was under his management that La Ha earned its reputation for insane and sadistic service.  That’s because it employed a lot of insane and sadistic servers.  Though I’m proud to be a part of such an infamous number, the reputation is a bit overblown.  More of a memory than a modern day reality.

I’ve been around the block and some of the better servers I’ve ever seen have been  La Ha servers.  We can take your orders, make your drinks, deliver your food, wash your dishes and bus your tables while choosing the music.  Most places would require three people to kind-of do what any one of us does on time.

We’re all much nicer than the old rep gives us credit for.  We’re reasonable.  If  you’re not reasonable, you just can’t last in service.  It will chew you up. (It’ll do the same thing even if you are reasonable but it will chew slower.)  Most of us have lasted a while. None of us have done it by picking fights with strangers.

That La Ha was able to do that through the 90s just tells you something about the 90s and Queen West.  Some of the old timers seem disappointed when I actually show up at their table to take their order.  Their eyes get misty and they talk fondly about what some La Ha server once told them to insert in some bodily cavity.

Before Bathurst and Queen became part of the art and design district, it was known as Fuckhead City.  The neighbourhood has changed.

La Ha has and has not.  We no longer host riots, the servers won’t tell anyone to fuck off unless they’ve been provoked beyond reason and things are basically a bit more chilled out than they used to be. We’re also getting a new sign.

But La Ha has not been gentrified and it’s still primarily a music lover’s and musician’s pub.  I’d give you a list of recent names who’re either regulars or who’ve  stopped through but that violates some sort of confidence and I don’t want to name-drop or make a list. So use your imagination.

The important thing is that you can still get a proper drink, be a regular where that means something and hear some pretty odd music. Beats the hell out of Red Lobster or any of those boutiquey yuppie holes that last about 2 minutes before going bankrupt due to cocaine-addled mismanagement.

Though I’m after the money you all can put in my wallet (then in my tailor’s) I won’t lie:  Helping to set up the first DJ night in such a storied pub/bistro/restaurant is pretty exciting.  I hope some of you haul your ass out to it.

So come out.  In fifteen years, you might be talking to whatever kid is on the La Ha floor about the time some bartender in a navy blue work uniform made you a margarita that knocked you on your ass and cost you your job at the bank.

WHERE: La Hacienda, 640 Queen West between Bathurst and Palmerston.

WHEN: Sunday Night: 10 pm to last call.

WHAT: Kaewonder spins psychedelic, soul, psychedelic-soul and soulful-psychedelic.

*And what the fuck is up with Google Reviews? They give us 1 star out of 5 when every review there is good and their graphs give us 4 out of 5 for food and service. Does Google require a bribe?

Tags: DJ, kaewonder, la hacienda, psyche & soul, queen west, restaurant

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“Yeah, one.  Ones too many and a hundreds not enough.  That’s all.”

–Nat

“Your credit’s fine, Mr. Torrance.”

–Lloyd the Bartender

Bertie the Bartender

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. ”

–Rodney Dangerfield

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“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.”

–Richard Braunstein