Nov 29

The New and Fancy Urinal Games


You’ve gotta scroll down like half a page for this but video games are being installed in urinals so men can play with their piss.

I can hardly think of a more concrete example of new media at work.

A simple function which was private and imaginative (we all, I think, play a game of peeing on the urinal puck — no doubt, a cousin of writing our names in sand or snow) is outsourced from the imagination (the interior landscape) to a screen (an public exterior landscape) and used to deliver ads, gain points, measure klout (dicksize) or whatever the makers of this will do to make a buck while having some unexpected and, depending on your constitution, shocking repercussions for social mores.

American servicemen spent much the night not in the bar but in the bathroom trying to beat each other’s high scores and shouting at others to join in the “fun”.

Fairly soon, the geriatric millennials writing for NY Times will compose long-winded odes to the authentic pee, missing the good ol’ days when a game of ‘pee down the hole’ was all people needed and recalling, in Instragrammed sepia, that drunken piss they took against a wall in college as being some sort of generation-defining social comment. It was rebellion.

Pissters, they’ll say, will urinate anywhere, anytime and with anybody. They don’t have a genuine bathroom experience. They don’t know about sharing a joint or line of coke in the privacy of a stall. Or the thrill of finger-banging on the toilet. How do these kids even have real relationships?

Whatever happened to facebook?

Even this won’t be as bad as their cranky, prudish and possibly classist sermons about their contempt for the new urinal games placed next to every table in even the fanciest restaurants.

“I hate when I’m talking to someone and they just start urinating,” they’ll complain. “It’s impolite.”

The kids won’t give a fuck.

And you’ll wind up with piss-drops in your soup.

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