Enter My Marriage Announcement Into The Evidence
By Ryan Oakley. Filed in Uncategorized |Tags: Uncategorized
Brace yourself ladies: I’m getting married.
Holy fucking matrimony, Batman!
I dislike marriage. Not because my heart lacks love or that I fear commitment. Not for any notion popularized by romantic comedies. I’ve just never believed my feelings needed the approval of the State/Church.
Boy, was I wrong. Turns out they do.
I’m in the rather unfortunate position of loving a foreigner who is attempting to immigrate to Canada. The government has already barred her entry into the country once and, should some bullshit like that happen again, I would like to have some sort of legal recourse. Hence matrimony.
Though the lady and I plan to build a life together, though we love each other, I would never have gotten married. I don’t invite the government into my house. They’re like a vampire. Once in, they don’t leave until they suck you dry. Unlike a vampire, they needed no invitation. They simply broke in.
Our government lacks the manners of vampire.
So on Oct. 11, hoping to arm myself with the crucifix of marriage, I popped the question over twitter:
And I received a prompt reply.
It’s not terribly romantic to propose over twitter but that was hardly our first conversation on the subject. What might be less romantic was my reaction to her acceptance:
Before you judge me, you should try those tacos. They’re incredible. Shalome is a great cook. As I recall, it was a bowl of gumbo that finally made up my mind.
Besides, I’ve never pretended to be a romantic and I don’t have a single friend who would judge me as a romantic. The demands of my stomach are more important than the demands of my heart. That I have found a woman who meets both is luck. You understand that. I understand that. But will the government understand that? I doubt it.
You, lucky Grumpy Owl reader, are now reading evidence. I have been informed by a lawyer that Shalome and I must produce pictures of ourselves together. We’re going to be investigated by people behind desks. I’ll get no jury of my peers. I’ll be judged by some fellow in a shabby suit – if he’s even wearing a suit.
Our lawyer told me he was used to representing people who were squeaky clean. I told him that I do not squeak. He said that Shalome and I should move in together. I asked: “Who wants to live with their wife?” All of this will be problematic.
In a country that allows Adam and Steve to get married, my relationship might be too strange. I don’t see how our plans or lifestyle becomes subject to government judgement but they are. On pain of deportment. If they don’t like us, they can fuck us up. The man has us in a bind.
I am reminded of that classic Public Enemy lyric:
I got a letter from the government
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given’ a damn I said never
Here is a land that never gave a damn
About a brother like me and myself
Because they never did
I wasn’t wit’ it but just that very minute…
It occurred to me
The suckers had authority
The suckers have authority.
It can safely be assumed that they will google the pair of us. Looking for a fraud.
I wonder how they’ll react to my assertion that marriage is a fraud. Not my love, not our plans and not our relationship. But the signing of of papers and marching down an aisle to have some fat-faced priest deliver his sanctimonious blessing upon two humans fucking? That is a fraud. A complete fraud. Fucking needs no blessing. Love doesn’t require Jesus. It needs no tax breaks.
Unless you’re in the unfortunate position of loving a foreigner. Then you need this shit. And maybe if you’re buying a house or something. Does it strike anyone else as odd that you more often need the law to protect you from the law than you need it to protect you from crime? Just sayin’: Things could be simplified.
I wonder what conventions the validity of my marriage is to be measured against.
The so-called family has all the solvency of GM. It’s been propped up by the government for years. Why? Because the family is dead. Like GM, it’s bankrupt.
The divorce rate is at 50%, children are raised by a mixture of television and school while the parents who actually remain together are at work. In today’s world, the so-called family only exists in freakish, isolated circumstances. It’s an old institution. Obsolete. Broken.
Not all of the tax breaks, propaganda, king’s horses and kings men, can put the family back together again.
And, in light of all this, my relationship is going to measured against what? Some platonic ideal of family life? By who? Fucking bureaucrats? And why?
So I can hopefully stay with the woman I love, eat her tacos and play with her dog. So the woman I love can stay in this bullshit country and work as someone who helps the old and infirm while paying taxes and bitching about the weather. So that her and I can have a life together but in separate homes.
I know why I do what I do. I just don’t know how the government can judge it.
They can’t.
Fuck ‘em.
Friday, December 11th 2009 at 6:59 am |
Amen!
I do not understand this: If I have no criminal record, the financial security to not depend on the gov’t, and knowledge/willingness to work (pay taxes) why is it so important to see what I do in the bedroom? Perhaps a weekend in my place would give them an idea of why I need to live alone (bathroom drinking sessions, midnight taco cooking, hula hoop/Daft Punk dance parties alone).
I will tell you this much, those bastards aren’t getting a Christmas card from me.
Okay, just one.
Saturday, December 12th 2009 at 2:14 am |
I’m sorry it came to this, but congratulations to you both! I trust the wedding will express in sartorial terms the disgust with which you greet this necessity. Pictures, please!
Monday, December 14th 2009 at 4:30 pm |
Yes, pictures, please
It’s strange how within the last few years I’ve begun to hold a similar position on marriage as you. Though it’s not entirely the government interference I’m concerned about; it’s the familial. Legions upon legions of overly inquisitive and opinionated aunts descending from every corner of Ghana and other parts of the globe to assess, judge and offer feedback. Most of the negative reactions will go straight to my mother. I already have to deal with the occasional BS aside that I’m too Anglicised when I already stand apart from many of the Britishers I’ve grown up with or interacted with
Then again, one can argue with some certainty that I’m somewhat emotionally detached to begin with. Also, I’d marry for a green card – my horizons need serious expanding
Do keep us abreast, fellow
B
Monday, December 14th 2009 at 5:40 pm |
Everyone knows the family is dead, and maybe it should be because the only acceptable reason to have one is to raise children. There are too many people on this earth anyway. We don’t need any more kids. Therefore we don’t need any more families (I hope you aren’t going to take that “next big step”, though I wouldn’t judge you if you do).
I don’t want to get married either for the reasons you just stated (and then some), but you might as well make the best of the situation and have a fabulous wedding or something, congratulations.
Thursday, December 17th 2009 at 1:44 pm |
I read an arguement that separated parenting is better than old-fashioned families, cause the kid gets full attention of the dad on the weekends and over-compensating mum during the week. 2 parent families get over-worked parents and kids raised by tv and nursery, as stated. Sad but maybe true. Who knows? I married a gay Serbian (for his papers sake), who now lives in NY with his lover, while my lover works all hours, sleeps in my bed but we only speak for about 5 minutes a day, mostly shouting about dishes or laundry. Plus, I’m now trying to ignore my kid while I waffle on on the internet. Whaaaa?
Thursday, December 17th 2009 at 1:45 pm |
Oh yeah, Congratulations! She’s a lucky lady.