pic nicked from here

Once upon a time, below a blue sky in a yellow land, a monster named Albert lived on a green hill.   Everything in the land was yellow.  The trees were yellow, the ground was yellow and the buildings were yellow.  The teeth, the eyes and the hair: yellow, yellow and blonde.  Everything except for the hill Albert called home was yellow.  His hill was green.

The other monsters, the ones who did not live on the green hill, grew jealous of its strange colour.  “It’s not right,” they said, “that Albert should live on that green hill while we all live in yellow.”

They formed a committee and elected a representative to go speak to Albert.  Their representative was the famous vampire Count Dracula who ran on a platform of reasoned debate and won a landslide over the even more famous vampire Count Chocula.  But, in the spirit of bipartisanship, Count Dracula appointed Count Chocula as his assistant in charge of breakfast foods.

And the monsters sent these two to go speak to Albert about his green hill.

“It’s not right,” they said, after they had sat and enjoyed some blood tea with Albert -cheap blood tea, one must add– “That you have this green hill and all the other monsters here have to live in yellow.”

“I had not thought of it that way,” said Albert.  “I assumed that you all liked yellow.  Seeing how you live in so much of it.  You know, keeping a hill green is not an easy job.  Not in this climate.”

“We do like yellow,” replied Count Dracula.  “But we also like green.”

“In that case,” said Albert, “tell the other monsters that they may come up on my hill whenever they please.  And let no one say that Albert hoarded all the green for himself.”   Then he roared.  Albert couldn’t help it.  He was a monster after all.  But he was polite enough to excuse himself after.

The two counts returned and convened a meeting where they passed the news along to the members of the committee.  After some lively debate and a controversy involving a spiked punch bowl, the monsters decided to go to the hill the very next day.  And go they did.

There were many monsters and, with all of them upon it, Albert’s hill no longer seemed quite so big.  It was rather crowded indeed.  Monsters jostled and bothered each other.  They bumped and banged.  They clanged and they thumped.   Sharp tooth bit soft skin, hard horn tore tender flesh and razor claws cut shins and thighs and feet.

Pretty soon they had spilt enough blood to cover Albert’s hill in it.  Now it was no longer green but bright red instead.  Albert tried to wash the blood away with his hose but, with all the monsters there, rioting and clamouring, the water couldn’t even touch the ground.  He decided to speak to the count.

“Count Dracula,” he said, “All the blood from the bumps and scrapes of a crowded monster party has turned my hill red.  It’s not green any more.  Could you perhaps get everyone to leave for a day while I wash it?”

“You mean,” said the count, “That your hill is soaked in blood?”

“Yes,” said Albert, now shouting over the monsters who had stumbled between them.  “Completely covered in blood!”

“I see,” said the count.  He whispered to the other count and they quickly dropped out of sight.

Albert wondered what they were doing.  He tried not worry.  Surely the vampires would see that he was being fair and get everyone off the hill long enough for him to clean it.  That should only take a day or two and then everyone could enjoy it again.  But then he heard a strange noise and saw the monsters all acting crazy.  They were all getting down on their hands and knees, roaring with savage delight.

Albert grabbed a nearby werewolf and asked him:  “What’s going on?”

“Haven’t ya heard?” said the werewolf.  “This hill is covered in blood!  Monster blood!  The very best blood of all!”  And then the werewolf howled.  Unlike Albert, he was not polite enough to excuse himself.

Albert tried to stop them, first with reasoned debate and then with claws, but the monsters chased him right off his hill and put a restraining order against him.  From a distance of 150 metres he watched the fat  monsters laying around with full bellies and red mouths.  They had eaten all the grass.  And all that was left was yellow sand.

Now bored with the hill they began to shuffle off.  Some thanked Albert for his hospitality but most just ignored him.  Albert looked at his hill.  The green grass was all gone.  Now it looked more like a yellow lump.

After a few days of looking and feeling sad, he felt a tap on his shoulder.  It was Count Dracula.  “Hi there old chum,” said the Count, “Terribly sorry about what happened to your hill.”

“Well you should be.”

“And I am but I have some good news.”

“Did you find some grass seeds so I can replant my hill?”

“Even better than that.”

“Did you find a new green hill for me?  One with a moat and barbed wire?”

The Count laughed.  “No.  But here’s what we did find: Turns out that some greedy monster in the next county is hoarding a bright blue water hole.   We’re forming a committee to gain access to it.  And I’m running for chair.  As you  know, I get results.  Can I count on your vote?”

Albert thought about his days in the hard yellow sunlight looking at his little yellow lump of a hill.  He was hot and tired.  He wanted nothing more than to feel some bright blue water on his face.   “You know what,” said Albert.  “I could really go for a swim about now.”  He shook the count’s hand.  “When do we get in?”