pic nicked from here

In the first chapter of my imaginary book, How to Hack Like a High School Illiterate: Earning High Marks from Morons While Destroying Prose, I advise the reader to start every essay with a dictionary definition.  Not only does it add needless verbosity, it also shows that you either had no idea what the word meant when you started writing or you think the person reading the essay doesn’t know the meaning of the thing they are reading about.

But definitions are wonderful. According to the dictionary defining something is to  fix or state the exact meaning of a thing.  Words can defined, people can be defined and boundaries can be defined eg. “Don’t put your thumb in there and, if you do, keep it out of my mouth after.“  Even the word definition can be defined!

(Chapter Two: The Explanation Point Makes the Redundant Exciting!”)

As wonderful as definitions are, they remind me of apologies.  For while an apology might be an expression of regret it is also, according to the dictionary, a formal justification or defence.  It might be easy to imagine that one would be defending themselves because they’re wrong but that’s just because we’re suspicious bastards.  One could be defending themselves because their accuser is wrong.  Or perhaps they’re just paranoid and are feeling defensive.

A word’s definition is its apology!

Without these apologies, what are these words?  Just senseless yammerings or scrawled doodles.   They’re not really anything at all!  They’re just noise!!!

When words are attached to the wrong definitions they’re lies.  The dictionary tells us that lies are something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.  So if you use the wrong word to describe a certain definition, you’re lying!  And you better be careful about that.  Because, if you get caught, you might have to apologize.

And no one wants to do that.  Doing what you want is enough work.  Explaining why you did it should be someone else’s job.