I guess it’s official now. I changed my MySpace Profile from Long Term Relationship to Single and I’m blogging about it. These seem like strange rubicons to cross. And it’s taken me a week to cross them. But here I am. And I feel like shit. Total shit.
I didn’t expect the physical pain. It’s a bit surprising to find that a term like “heartache” actually refers to a pain in the heart. I also have a stomachache. But somehow that’s not quite as romantic. I don’t eat, sleep or masturbate anymore. I even flirted with the idea of quitting smoking and taking up boxing. But then I regained a measure of sanity.
I did, to my own surprise, quit drinking. And that’s a permanant change. The masturbation, eating and sleeping will return of their own accord. (I actually enjoy the lack of sleep. It makes me more productive.) But the drinking is gone for good.
I had expected to go on an incredible bender. I thought I was a pretty fine example of a rake but I had never mastered the art of being a cad. Well, I thought, here’s my chance. I hit the bars and got roaringly drunk. It didn’t take very long for some woman, who bore a resembalance to Audrey Hepbourne, to latch onto me. She loosened my tie, hung off my arm and left smears of lipstick all over my cheek and neck.
Then I thought fuck it.
I escaped from her clutches and went outside to smoke and ruminate. This fucking stinks, I thought. But then I reasoned that being a heartless cad must involve giving your heart to someone and never having it, or asking for it, to be returned. It is an act of fundamental romanticism. So I returned to the bar. She had absconded with my gin and tonic. A moment later she reappeared, dancing topless on the bar. And this was not even a strip bar.
That’s when I really thought fuck it.
It is more than likely that I’ll become a cad. But it will be a sober cad.
