Jun 10

How to Spot a Moron


Morons walk amongst us.  Superior to both the imbecile and idiot, these people can often pass for regular citizens.  Yet failure to spot one can imperil your health, property and happiness.  It’s important to be able to accurately spot and diagnose a moron at distance.  Otherwise you may find them all up in your grill.

Most people will do a variety of moronic things.  This is part of being human.  Indeed, most people are always doing at least one moronic thing at any given moment.  That’s just called a personality.  But if you see anyone doing three moronic things at the same time, you can be sure — That person is a moron.

An example:  Walking down the street, I saw a man ride his bike into traffic and park in front of a moving bus.  That counts as one moronic action and it’s the sort of mistake anyone could make.  What classified this fellow as a moron is that he was also riding on the side-walk and wore no helmet.

Three moron moves all at the same time.  The diagnosis is clear:  That man is a moron.  He is to be avoided.  A sane society would mark him with a large conical hat.  There is nothing to be gained by interfering with his life or inviting him into your own.  Cut a wide swath around him and leave him to it.

A person who does one moronic thing — no matter how glaringly moronic it may be — probably just made an error.   A person who does two is probably just a foreigner or an eccentric.  Their actions may appear moronic but could just be alien.  A person who commits three moronic actions at the same time is a natural born acrobat of stupidity.  They can be nothing other than a moron.

In the interest of your health and happiness, I encourage you to employ this simple diagnostic tool.  You may find that there are more and less morons out there than you ever suspected.  It may save you a great deal of trouble.

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1 comment

  1. Lauren Archer

    I overheard this snippet of cell phone conversation at Union Station today:

    “I googled your house on yellowpages.But it said you lived in a different city. I printed the directions anyway, so hopefully I’ll be able to find you alright.”

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