pic nicked from here
In a stunning scientific breakthrough, researchers have discovered a relationship between owning alcohol branded clothing and teenage drinking. There’s not yet any word about what owning a bandanna covered in pot leaves may indicate.
But wearing a beer shirt does say something else about a young man. It says: “I have no imagination but a lot of brand loyalty.”
If you are going to drink –and I mean drink– it’s important to know how to dress while you do so. Being properly attired can make your assholery charming, your incomprehensible opinions understandable and, perhaps, even save you an overnight stay at your local drunk tank. So before you get loaded, get dressed.
After the jump, we’ll explore how to do that.
The Teenage Drunk
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Too young to look respectable, these lightweights must find a a way to express themselves in such a way that explains their drunken behaviour while bracing spectators for what comes after the third vodka cooler.
For anyone below twenty, I recommend some sort of sub-cultural garb. It doesn’t matter what. Goth, hip-hop or hippie, it just needs to suit the sort of drunk they are. Your behaviour should be blamed upon your personality rather than your drinking. If you like to smash things, sport a mohawk. If you talk a lot of shit about the universe and whatnot, try a peace pendant.
The Factory Worker
Looking like you just finished a hard day’s work will excuse all sorts of drunken misbehaviour. You can say things like “I work hard and I play hard” and talk about blowing off steam. Just hope that no one notices that it’s ten in the morning on a Tuesday. If they do, tell them you work the night shift.
Father
This is a slightly more difficult act to pull off. Some people disapprove of fathers being drunk. Mainly when you remind them of their own father. That is, the factory worker. You need to be the ideal father. So employ props.
Smoke a pipe and wear a cardigan. Make sure to drink your beer or whiskey from the glass –never the bottle. If people still object, print up a picture of the teenage drunk above and show it to them. Say: “That’s my son. He’s artistic.”
The Priest
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People just don’t fuck with it.
Author/Artist/Musician/Philosopher/Other Assorted Geniuses
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You’ve been “writing” the same novel for fifteen years and your “art” is some sort of performance based, multidisciplinary bullshit. This shouldn’t stop you from being the greatest writer since Hemingway and the finest artist since Picasso.
At least, not at the bar.
You must affect some sort of tortured expression while you pretend that your genius — not your girlfriend– has driven you to drink. Wear black and cultivate a studied but unkempt air. Should you be a writer/philosopher a tweed coat will serve you well. Only attempt the beret with extreme caution.
While Hemingway was able to pull it off, he was also able to fight. And write a book. But that’s beside the point
The Cad
It should be noted that The Cad’s primary interest is not alcohol but emotionally vacant sex with women suffering from low self-esteem. If a Cad wishes for their drunken advances to be met with giggles instead of slaps, they must cultivate a moustache. Women with daddy issues love moustaches.
It also adds an element of humour to even the most lecherous proposition. This increases your flirting capacity.
Aside from this, be well groomed, look as if you have money but be utterly devoid of ostentation. Leave the tie at home. You must appear very neat and clean but also casual and confident. Pay great attention to your shoes.
The Rake
The rake is truly a prince amongst drunks and, perhaps, the most difficult of all looks/attitudes to pull off. When executed well, it is impervious to everything that anyone can possibly throw at it. Meeting every challenge with a raised eyebrow and a slurred oath, The Rake is up for anything, anywhere at any time.
Squander is the word that every rake must live by. Born to wealth, influence and so many of the things other people strive after, they simply drink, gamble and piss it away. They are masters of booze. It’s all they live for.
A rake enters each bar like a Victorian come to brutally civilize the savages and exits it after brutally savaging the civilized.
These self-destructive princes are riding a rocket to rubby town but have a surprisingly long journey ahead. To look the rake, you must appear that you have been on that rocket for a while. To actually be one, you should have crashed it a few times.
A rake must look like they were immaculately attired. A week ago. Since then, they’ve been drunk. Modern Drunkard puts it best when they say:
“This look is effected by dressing up, then dressing down. Put on your suit, then pull it apart. Pop the top button of your dress shirt and loosen the tie to the second button. Pomade your hair perfectly, then dishevel it. Insert a pint of whiskey in an outer jacket pocket and you’re William Powell in the midst of a five-day bender.”
One requires a flask, a suit and a good deal of panache. A lawyer also helps.
The Rubby
If rakes are the princes of drunks, then rubbies are the kings.
Should you reach rubby status, you’re far beyond caring about clothes. You’re drinking gasoline on a sidewalk. And you probably can’t read this because you lack a computer and your vision is blurred.
But, if you’re just on the verge of becoming a rubby, you should treat the office with respect. I would not think to advise these sartorial geniuses who do so much with so little but I would like them to remember:
You are a gentleman of the street. It is your duty to regale the respectable members of society with jigs, crazy antics and an all-round lovable demeanour. If possible, assume all the airs you can, garnish these with graces and demand to be treated with respect. Claim to be nobility. In your own way, you are, I assure you. Sneering, swearing and being an angry asshole is not allowed. Be jolly and enjoy yourself.
You crazy sonuvabitch, you.
5 comments
jankypanky
March 4, 2009 at 1:46 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Yes!!!!!!
I truly love and admire Sir Digby Chicken Caesar on so many levels.
Dakota
March 12, 2009 at 8:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Awesome! Saved me $20, a couple hours, and owning a copy of Dressing for Dummies. Whatever you choose to wear while drunk, make sure you are at peace with losing it forever. Some clothes, having served as a landing pad for your upchuck, are best set aflame. If you really loved the outfit, spread it’s ashes someplace nice; like a park or next to a dry cleaners.
Ely
April 25, 2011 at 2:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
RE: “Drunk goth”
1 – Not a goth. Japanese Cyber music scene. BIG difference.
2 – This is DJ Sisen, one of the most famous and prolific DJs in the Japanese cyber scene
3 – Not drunk. Some of my aquaintences here in Toronto worked with sisen and he’s never so much as had a beer. He’s usually stone sober, and just kinda always looks like that. Drugs don’t exist in Japan really, and drinking is much less focused on.
Ely
April 25, 2011 at 2:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
also, DJ sisen is in fact in his mid 30s…
forensicgoth
May 24, 2011 at 10:34 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
um i have to say this i agree with the drinking right i dont like drunksi do not agree with teens drinking at all but um..that picture um there you put of the cyber goth he is like 27+.. he doesnt look drunk it looks like the person has takin the picture as he was blinking and walking past! O.o