Smoking is the single greatest thing you can do with your time.  It’s a fine and admirable hobby.  It relaxes the heart, aligns the primordial juices and tunes the mind so that your thoughts may play a happy song.

Sadly, in the winter, it may not feel so.

Our infinitely humane government has decided to use the cold as a bludgeon.

It’s bad enough that they’ve already forced my hash and opium smoking comrades to stand in alleys and parks with a bunch of hobos and perverts but they’ve taken these draconian measures a goose-step further.

The guardians of the common good have decided that ambient tobacco smoke is a bigger threat to public safety than forcing hoards of  drunks to stand on the street.  It is better, I suppose, to expose the sober passerby to the drunken smoker than to expose the drunken smoker to smoke.

So we are now in a terrible and idiotic position.  I can no longer smoke my poison where people are allowed to drink theirs.  People can only drink inside and only smoke outside.  Separating alcohol and tobacco is against God’s design.

These things always come down to money.  You’d be allowed to drink in a park if the government could figure out how to tax you for it.  You see, they tax the bar when they buy the booze and they tax you when you buy the booze from the bar.  If you drink in a park, they’re only getting paid  once.  This is intolerable

They correct it with a ticket.

But I digress.

The question is:  How does one smoke in the winter without being forced outside like a naughty schoolboy?

Well, the sane thing would be to leave this country and move to Istanbul where the weather is moderate and the government has a modicum of respect for basic human rights.  And, Allah knows, not a day goes by where I don’t think about it.

In the meantime, the heated patio is your best friend.

Sadly, most places lack these and, at any rate, smoking on them might be illegal.  The law is vague and huge.  It disallows smoking in public spaces, (sidewalks?, parks?) and within 10 meters of a business doorway.  So far as I can tell, it’s actually illegal to smoke anywhere other than your home. Thankfully, the government seems incapable of enforcing these rules.

Chances are, if you smoke, you’ll find yourself shivering on the sidewalk with a group of strangers. Some of these may even want to talk to you.  Others will ask you for change or try to sell you newspapers.  Meanwhile, respectable people will be forced to walk in the street or bike-lane just to get around you.

Snorting snuff solves this problem.

While it lacks the camaraderie and satisfaction of a shared smoke, this mild stimulant packs enough nicotine to keep you safely indoors.  There is also some pleasure to be garnered from snuff boxes and the etiquette governing the drug’s use.

Funny enough, snuff also acts as a coke-head detector.  You’ll find that almost anyone who take an instant liking to this product also loves cocaine.  This has actually proven so foolproof that I’ve started to suspect that coke-heads just like to put things in their nose.  So, if you love your cocaine, you’ll like snuff.

Might as well kill two birds with one stone.  Save yourself a trip to the toilet while you save a trip to the cold outdoors.