You’ve fallen flat on your ass, your iPod’s battery has frozen and you can’t feel your face. It’s winter in Canada.
Subzero temperatures present many challenges –to sanity, good health and comfort – yet none is more pernicious than the one it presents to a wardrobe. There is simply no way to look good during the Canadian winter. Survival is the goal.
Practicality is the key.
See that? I look like a moron. And it’s not even cold yet. Not really.
Yet, if you are going to dress in Canada’s December, you cannot be afraid to look like a moron. Those who brave the outside have two philosophies:
Some look like morons and some are morons.
Those who are morons try to pretend that it’s not really cold. You can see them shivering, shaking and jumping on every street corner. You can hear them whine from half a block away. The call of this species is a surprised plead that often sounds like: “Shit, it’s soooo cold! Shit!”
Other people -such as myself — go dogs of war. We look foolish but feel great. The world around us may be a tumult of snow, ice and wind, yet we are sanguine; comforted by the notion that those people who have exposed their skin to the elements are the real fools. Besides which, they look like they care.
One should dress with care but never look like they care.
Above all, to be well dressed one must look absolutely comfortable in even the most formal garb. If you don’t feel at home in a suit, you won’t look it. Thus, you should not wear it. Minor league ball players do not belong in the majors.
If you are scantily clad in the winter, you will not look comfortable and because everyone can feel the cold, you will not fool anyone. At best, you will look cold; At worst you will look insane. And this is a city where each winter we discuss whether the homeless should be put in asylums or just left in the street to die.
You don’t want to look insane.
Above all, you must avoid shaking in the cold. It’s highly unbecoming –disgusting even– for a man to shiver. It speaks to incompetence, fragility and a hermaphroditic vanity. You must be dressed for endurance, steadiness and practicality. These are manly values. In spite of that, they are also good ones.
Being warm also presents an opportunity for chivalry that is denied our freezing brethren. The urban female has made a habit of being under-dressed in the winter. If the urban male is properly clothed, he will be able to offer her a scarf or gloves.
Just think of how good you’ll look then.
3 comments
LC
December 15, 2008 at 3:34 am (UTC -5)
I love the cold clothing debate . . . just last week I saw a girl walking down King Street to go into The Spice Route clad in a skirt, BARE legs, and high heeled sandals. OMG seriously girl put on some clothes already! That being said, I think Canadians in general should look toward downtown Montreal folk for how to look chic in the Canadian cold.
VJESCI
December 15, 2008 at 6:34 am (UTC -5)
“winter drawers on”
m1k3y
December 18, 2008 at 8:36 am (UTC -5)
I must admit I was a chilly moron for many years.
Though I’ve always rocked the beanie, it was a long time coming for me to see the value of the scarf.
And gloves, well I could never find any I liked, until I stumbled into a store in Osaka, Japan a few months ago.
Now I’m finally happy and warm 24/7, 365.