Quite a few of my readers –if not the bulk– are Americans and I want to talk about Canadian politics. This is always a tough assignment. Americans know much less about Canadian politics than they should. Just like Canadians.
So, before I go any further, I think it wise to introduce the characters. [I would have liked to have done this a few days ago but the Illuminati (my roommate Amie Scott) wiped out my computer.]
After the jump, you yanks can find the cast of a show I like to call: “Little Drama on the Hill.”
Stephen Harper aka “White Chocolate.” Conservative Party
Mr. Harper is the current prime minister of Canada. He comes from our barren western lands. This is Canada’s middle east. Like the mid-east, they’ve got oil and they’ve got religion.
He’s a cold and calculating figure whose main power is his unprincipled cunning. His main weaknesses are his friends (crazy people who talk too much) and his ability to outsmart himself. Utterly lacking in personality or any human feeling, he sometimes wears sweaters and poses with kittens to present a softer side.
It’s creepy.
His street name “White Chocolate” comes from the fact that he’s very white and leaves a funny taste in your mouth. He’s also the last thing you’d choose. If you had a choice.
Stephane Dion aka “The Green Vortex.” Liberal Party
Stephane Dion is the current leader of the Liberal Party and the would be leader of the opposition coalition. He comes from Quebec. No one else in Canada can understand a word he says. People in Quebec understand him.
They hate his guts.
Mr. Dion may have a strength but it’s unclear what it is. He does have the ability to turn certain defeat into shocking victory then victory into a bigger defeat that leads to an even bigger victory. And so forth. No one is quite sure how he does this or if it’s even him that does it.
His main weakness is his total lack of any of the traditional leadership qualities. He can’t communicate, sucks any energy out of any room he enters and then campaigns on cerebral issues that can’t be broken down into soundbites. That is, he campaigns on things that would be beyond a skilled communicator.
Depending upon pity, he looks like a lost puppy and often acts the same.
Gilles Duceppe aka “Professor Evil.” Bloc Quebecois
Mr. Duceppe is from Quebec. As leader of their separatist party, his long term goal is the destruction of Canada and the formation of the nation of Quebec. Seriously.
Aside from his nefarious goals, he is quite intelligent and charming. When he speaks, many people in English Canada wish they had a politician that was half as capable, intelligent and dedicated as this fellow. He’s a throwback to an earlier time; when Canada produced strong, socialist statesmen.
However, his evil is well known by all. Though the other parties all occasionally need his help, his help is a liability. He just sits back in the shadows, chuckles, and watches his goal come closer with each day.
Odd fact — Though he is a fierce defender of the french language and his party doesn’t even run for seats outside of Quebec, he still speaks better English than Stephane Dion.
Jack Layton aka “Baldy McMustache .” New Democratic Party
Mr. Layton is the leader of English Canada’s largest socialist party. Coming from Toronto, he puts that city’s worst qualities upon display. Self-important, puffed up, lacking in accomplishment and slick as a dipped dick, Mr. Layton is an easy man to hate. Especially for everyone outside of Toronto.
He campaigns in the American style, using soundbites like “your friends at the board table instead of the families at the kitchen table” and is now spending all his time talking about “locked doors.” He comes off like a used car salesman.
His main strength is that his advisers he has some reasonable ideas. His main weakness is that he can make any good idea sound awful. Also, if he was leader, we would have to listen to him and he would think he’s even greater than he already does.
God help us all if that happens.
Michaelle Jean aka “Her Most-Bodacious Excellency.” Governor General: The Queen’s Representative
Ms Jean is the person who makes the final call on points of law. Though she’s mainly a figurehead, she has wielded a good deal of power throughout this crisis. And, in my opinion, acted well and wisely.
She’s from Haiti and worked for the CBC.
I once met her predecessor at a party. All I can say about the GG is that they really know how to get away from a drunk who’s shouting at them. It was quite an escape.
These people are slippery.
5 comments
1 ping
jankypanky
December 5, 2008 at 9:30 am (UTC -5)
It seriously took me 10 minutes to stop laughing at white chocolate. This post makes me wanna learn more. When does the new episode of Little Drama on the Hill come on?
geekigirl
December 5, 2008 at 12:29 pm (UTC -5)
White Chocolate. I’m fucking dying
Danielle
December 11, 2008 at 7:39 am (UTC -5)
This post is great. The pictures are perfect too.
Z
April 11, 2009 at 2:58 am (UTC -5)
Wow, anyone else notice that Layton looks A LOT like a porn star in his picture? o.O
Ryan Oakley
April 15, 2009 at 10:04 am (UTC -5)
I think his tits are a bit small.
Harper Dressed Better than Obama « The Grumpy Owl
February 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm (UTC -5)
[...] for the office and a condensation towards the “average man.” He wears suits badly, sweaters even worse and just have a look at this [...]