[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xMwtTOz8AA]
Joe hasn’t been in the news this much since Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio hit in 56 straight games.
I feel sorry for people with televisions. I watched the third presidential debate online yesterday — mainly to look at the suits — and all these people talked about was some fellow named “Joe the Plumber.”
I can only imagine the television blitz that must be occurring. Especially now that Joe the Plumber has turned out to be Joe the Unlicensed Employee of Newell Plumbing & Heating.
But he’s not the first Joe to enter this campaign.
Before Joe the Plumber was Joe Sixpack. This was an imaginary character (married to Tammy Nagger) that Sarah Palin kept referring to during her speeches and debate. This was a bit condescending. And it made me wonder: How does Ryan Suit and Tie fit into this? Or any of you, my dear readers.
Is anyone out there campaigning for Janet Bad Tattoos? Or Jimmy Goth? Tom Blogger? Sally Fashionable? How about lil’ Jason 10 Shots and a Bong? Billy Too Much Time on the Computer? Meredith Satanist? Can Jerry Record Collection or Jill Book Learnin’ get a bit of respect?
No. You can’t.
No one cares about you people. No one except me. And I only sorta care. Like, I care about as much as any ol’ Ryan Narcissist can care. But that’s still more than the politicians.
They’ll only mention you when they’re campaigning against you. Unlike Joe Sixpack, soon to be Joe Hangover or maybe even Joe DUI, you’re a symptom of the collapse of western civilization. Joe Sixpack is who they care about. If they can find a real Joe –even if he’s not a real plumber– all the better.
But it’s not just the bad tattoos, the gothing, vanity or even the bong that keeps you out of the running. It’s the first name. You have to be named Joe. One must be careful about pairing condescending stereotypical names with condescending stereotypical behaviors. You might offend people if you start talking about Tyrone 40oz. His name conjures a different image than Joe Sixpack.
Making this point clear was Vice Presidential candidate JOE Biden when he said:
“I don’t have any Joe the Plumbers in my neighborhood that make $250,000 a year that are worried. The Joe the Plumbers in my neighborhood, the Joe the Cops in my neighborhood, the Joe the Grocery Store Owners in my neighborhood – they make, like 98 percent of small businesses, less than $250,000 a year.”
That neighborhood has a lot of Joes. They own 98% of the businesses! But, apparently, there’s no Tyrone 40ozs and, if there were, one cannot imagine Joe Senator talking about helping them out. I can, however, picture Joe Senator saying that Tyrone 40oz belongs in jail. Then having to explain himself.
Joe must be some sort of code. I assume it comes from “Average Joe.” Now, that always seemed like an insult. I’m not the only one who thinks so. Tonight, go up to any person you meet and tell them that they’re perfectly average. Tell them you like and respect that: “Look at those shoes. They’re nice and average.”
Next time the lady in your life asks you what you think of one of her personal qualities, describe it as average. “Your eyes, they’re just so average. I am hypnotized by their utter lack of any outstanding quality. And your weight — it’s perfectly appropriate to a woman of your height.”
You won’t even be rewarded with mediocre sex.
It’s time to stop glorifying the average. It’s dull and, as Joe the Plumber proves, it doesn’t even exist except in some sort of Sesame Street, comic book world that only sitcom writers and politicians can see. I’d rather hear these people talk about Special Joe. After all, retards deserve our help too.
Even when they’re running for office.
7 comments
Danielle
October 18, 2008 at 3:47 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Terrific post.
What about Joe Blow? =)
Ryan Oakley
October 18, 2008 at 3:54 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In four years he’ll be the republican candidate.
jankypanky
October 18, 2008 at 4:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
God! Will you lay off my bad tattoos?
And I could swear I created most of those characters in a pain killer induced dream I had last night.
amiescott
October 18, 2008 at 6:02 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You just had to sneak that one in there, didn’t you?
Ryan Oakley
October 19, 2008 at 11:24 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You created some. But most? How did I ever get by without you? You must be kinda a big deal.
I reserve the right to steal whatever I please from whoever I please, whenever I please and then to use it however I please. That’s what ideas are for.
And, if you recall, Shalome, we were chatting about Joe the Plumber while I insulted you –as usual– and you told me about my issues — as usual. You said I was a narcissist, to which I replied: “You would be too if you were me.”
Amie:
Yes, I did.
jankypanky
October 20, 2008 at 2:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Thats what ideas are for.”
I know that RY-AN!
jerk
Ryan Oakley
October 20, 2008 at 12:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sorry about being a jerk.
I had the trots and was in a foul mood.