pic nicked from here

We’ve all been there.  You’d like nothing more than to attend tonight’s opera but, sadly, armed gangs are roaming the streets and want to shoot you.  Aside from the damage bullets inflict upon your tuxedo, you may also bleed all over the thing.   And those stains are a real bitch to remove.

So, knowing that a flak jacket would earn you the disdain of your fellow opera-goers, you decide to stay home, smoke some hashish and drink yourself into a pleasant stupor in the boisterous company of a few local prostitutes.

Like I said: we’ve all been there.

Luckily, Miguel Caballero, a boutique located in the dystopian heart of Mexico City, has finally solved this age old dilemma.  They sell lightweight bulletproof clothing.

While some of these outfits tend towards the casual, there is a tuxedo for the intrepid opera attendee.  Each of the sales staff, as part of their training, is shot while wearing one of the outfits.  This dedication to their work allows you to face the opera with confidence.

But not so fast.

While it is quite nice to be impervious to a hail of gunfire, you will not be impervious from the equally dangerous judgment of your peers.  You must, as always, consider your accessories.

Since people are trying to kill you, you have probably made the sensible decision to start smoking.  Aside from helping you enjoyably pass the time in dark rooms, acting as jailhouse currency and easing your frayed nerves, it’s also a good-looking habit.

Besides, if you are shot, you can make a pithy remark along the lines of:  “I told the doctor the cigarettes wouldn’t kill me.” (Assuming, of course, that your lungs are not full of blood and you have not been shot in the mouth or throat.)  The cigarette is a wonderful accessory for this suit but, to perfectly compliment it, you should purchase and use the smoking gun cigarette holder.

As always, the integrity of the clothing reflects well upon the integrity of the man.

So, having seen to your tuxedo and accessories, you are probably wondering — How can I return fire in style? Pistols add an unpleasant bulge to any well-fitted suit and rifles are simply out of the question at many of the better opera houses.  You have bodyguards but, God knows, one does not want to remain their oafish company all night.  They tend to talk a great deal about sports and pussy.

The answer is surprisingly simple.  The SwissMiniGun.

This cheerful little device packs enough punch to kill a man and can be used as a key or watch fob.  Furthermore, there are bespoke offerings so you can bedazzle it, perhaps having it inlaid with gems that match your date’s dress or eyes.  It is not a complete security solution but it should guarantee that you can take one of your assailants to hell with you.  Sometimes that’s enough.

So leave the hashish, brandy and whores at home.  You’re now ready to enjoy your opera in safety and style.