This is a weekly do and don’t post about fugitive fashion. WANTED bulletins always describe the person’s outfit. But, during this most important moment in a young crook’s life, they’re often shabbily attired. So, with a view to correcting that, we will now look at the dress of the criminal classes.
DON’T
Who: Steven Page of The Barenaked Ladies.
What: Snorting cocaine and smoking pot with the door open.
I thought it fitting to start “Fashion Crimes” with a celebrity post. People like that sort of thing.
Mr. Page was arrested while unshaven and clad in a sloppy gray shirt. He is sorely lacking a tie, thus allowing us to marvel at his pasty chest. The sad thing is, he looks as if he started the day dressed the same way he ended it.
The clothes you take your drugs in are important. Every drunkard should have a special drinking shirt or hat. Those who are truly dedicated have a drinking shirt/hat combination. The Hawaiian shirt is a popular choice and Mr. Page could have benefited from the tutelage of the indomitable Mr. Nick Nolte.
But, when you want to get seriously fucked up –so fucked up that the police will be dragging your shrieking ass out out of your very home after a friend sat on your chest to prevent you from driving to another country– you should at least start the day in a dapper fashion. And then get worse.
He should have started his binge in this outfit:
pic nicked from here
And then, slowly throughout the evening, loosened the tie, unbuttoned the jacket, spilled whiskey on his shirt, burnt a hole through his pants with a smoldering chunk of hash and smeared his pocket square with cocaine and snot. Glasses perched crookedly upon his face, he would have had an arrest to be proud of.
Sadly he failed.
DO:
Who: Daniel Allen Everett
What: Trying to have sex with a 14 year old girl.
Wrestling t-shirts are ironic. So is wearing a shirt that says “World Greatest Dad” when no one even knows if you have children. I would typically dislike either of these things.
But wearing a wrestling shirt that says “World’s Greatest Dad” to a date with a fourteen year old girl-child? Well, that just puts the irony through the roof and straight into do-land.
Mr. Everett has shown that even when one engaged upon the most diabolical of tasks, they can still make a fashion splash. He could have improved the look by shaving the goatee, growing some sideburns and a handsome molester mustache but, even lacking that, he still gets points for trying.
Good for him.
2 comments
Patrick
July 21, 2008 at 9:37 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Steven Page got more than his attire wrong.
I remember Mr. Page was in the paper a few years ago as a Toyota Prius enthusiast — you know, one of those celebrities who is saving the spotted owls by driving a hybrid car, blah blah blah.
Can you imagine this guy, angrily storming to his automobile, slamming the door, and then whirring electrically toward the border? It just ruins the effect! He should be thankful that the girlfriend stopped him.
Ryan Oakley
July 23, 2008 at 1:36 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Cocaine is great for the environment. 42 square feet of forest per gram. I wonder how many trees he snorted that night.
http://features.csmonitor.com/environment/2008/07/18/new-target-in-colombia%E2%80%99s-drug-war-ecofriendly-us-users/