real bespoke by Don of Trend Custom Tailors for yours truly
Lean in nice and close kids, old Grumpy wants to tell you a secret: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A VODKA MARTINI! A martini is gin and dry vermouth. It is not vermouth and vodka, it is not vodka and a liqueur, it is not filled with fruit and/or chocolate. It is clear. It is not bright blue or neon pink. CLEAR! It is gin and dry vermouth. Stirred. Not Shaken. With an olive, a lemon rind or, if you’re feeling completely batshit crazy, a cocktail onion.
That is a martini.
But we live in society that is intent on ripping itself off. People decided that they wanted the social cache of drinking a martini but they had a problem: They didn’t actually like martinis. So, instead of doing the reasonable thing and ordering something else, they pretended to be James Bond, walked up to their bartender, said “Excuse me Sir, could you faggot up my drink?”, substituted vodka for gin and called that a martini.
The first step down a slippery slope.
Now there’s all sorts of concoctions going under the name martini. Banana, chocolate, apple-fucking-pie; The only thing these drinks have in common with a martini is the glass they’re served in.
As humans we do this all the time. We find something we want but don’t like. Instead of dealing with that, we just change the names of things. We call war liberation, plutocracy becomes democracy, martinis become anything you feel like, and now bespoke is under attack.
The assault is coming from the usual quarters. That is, the evil who profit by the ignorant. And it’s coming for the same reasons. People want bespoke but they can’t afford it. Instead of dealing with that, certain assholes have decided to just call everything bespoke. Then everyone can afford it. It will be –get ready– “affordable luxury.” Problem solved.
This is voodoo.
Things do not change just because you change their names. Just because something is green, organic and fair trade does not mean it is good for the environment, pure as summer rain and bought from well-paid workers in some utopia. (Just ask the minimum wage worker at the cash register where you bought it.)
All that changes when you start abusing words is the words. Everything gets muddy. The word becomes meaningless. When someone used to order a martini, they knew what they would get. Now, if you order a martini, you better say what kind you want or you’ll get the kind you don’t.
There’s nothing really there. “Martini” no longer refers to reality but to some James Bond illusion. It’s meaningless.
Now, why do I care about “bespoke” being abused? After all, I know the difference between customized and bespoke, so why should I care if some twit wants to toss his money buying one thing while expecting another and then lying about the whole thing? At the end of the day, it doesn’t reflect upon me.
You see, while I love bespoke, I don’t care about the social element. I don’t care what it says people who don’t even have the ears to listen. What I care about is the quality. All the words in the world cannot alter that. Whatever the herd calls a martini doesn’t affect the taste of a real one.
But there is a problem.
When words are abused we all pay. When a war is called a liberation, the concept of war is not only diminished but also that of liberty. As things stand now, the people who actually make bespoke are the ones who will suffer. If people think that they’re getting bespoke when they’re not, the real bespoke will vanish. Tailors will have to explain to morons why their bespoke is actually bespoke and why it costs more.
All we’ll be left with is some cheap copy.
I think we have enough cheap copies already. Enough lies and enough marketing schemes. We’re already neck-deep in bullshit. There is no need to throw another shovelful on the pile. If anything, we should be digging our way out. In the meantime, hold your nose.
3 comments
1 ping
Marcia
June 30, 2008 at 4:19 am (UTC -5)
technically, if it’s got a cocktail onion, it’s a gimlet.
Ryan Oakley
June 30, 2008 at 10:29 am (UTC -5)
A Gibson, I believe.
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July 1, 2008 at 3:27 am (UTC -5)
Did I already tell you about this series from the BBC? It was interesting, made me think of you.
Showroom Dummies in Waistcoats at the “Martini” Bar « The Grumpy Owl
September 12, 2008 at 2:17 pm (UTC -5)
[...] folks meet each other. Some keep making eye contact with me. These have yet another sip of whatever passes for a martini these days. They’re drinking carefully since they don’t want to act the fool. And [...]