My entire social life revolves around three things.

The first being work. I like all of my co-workers. They’re my friends in much the same way that one has their army buddies. After going through the meat grinder, we hang out. Although we often talk about what a dick this customer was or how nice those people were, this is about the only time or place that I’ll willingly discuss the big issues. Politics, the environment, the economy, art, philosophy and technology.

I drink coffee and take snuff. They have a few beers.

After seven hours of high stress, and ruthless mocking, it’s a nice way to relax and affirm that we don’t really hate each other because of what happened with the ice. We actually get to sit down and be humans.

Our brains are on high alert and turned to fudge. Perfectly set up to solve all the world’s problems and call it a day. I always enjoy that. It’s cheaper and healthier than my old approach of partying until 9 in the morning. No hangover at all. And the back of my mouth doesn’t taste all funny when I sniff.

The other part of my social life revolves around my roommate Amie Scott going out for a drink. Sometimes I come along. We’ll go to some bar where she’ll drink whatever and I’ll drink tonic waters. I find this relaxing. I can just sit quietly and watch people do insane shit. It’s amusing to watch people fall over.

But this could be why I feel like I’m on Planet of the Apes. I’m often surrounded by drunk people and I often forget that they’re drunk. I’m just amazed that people have such boisterous opinions on such strange topics. I wonder at their lack of balance.

These evenings typically involve me answering a lot of the same questions about my suit and pipe. If we’re in a fancier place, people want to know what I do. If we’re in a pseudo dive people want to know what I listen to. If we’re in a real dive then no one gives a shit about any of that. But we’re never in a real dive.

That’s where I used to drink. Amie doesn’t really like them. Never has. No cute boys. Just grizzled old drunks and drug dealers. You know, my sort of people. And I can’t blame her, since I stopped drinking, these places seem a bit pointless. There’s nothing to look at. Not a flash of leg or breast in the place.

And the third way I socialize is over the computer. This is how I speak to the bulk of my friends. We exchange emails. Most of my friends are busy, independent people. It’s hard to find the time to go out, sit down and just hang out. Instead we talk while doing something else.

Scattered through this routine, there is the occasional event or party. These are usually book, fashion or music related. I don’t go to as many of these as what some people think. I only attend when a friend is involved or there’s something I’m interested in. Sometimes it just allows me to actually see my friends.

Efficiency is an important part of my social life. I like to get the most bang for the least effort.

But I’ve never had any interest in making contacts. I’m a bit more cash and carry than that. Any new person starts off by being an object of interest, like a bug beneath a microscope. Then, having studied them, I either like them or don’t. Or I just lose interest. But I don’t care about what a person can do for me. My best friends are utterly useless. And while I have a great deal of conversation, I have absolutely no schmooze.

So basically, if you want to socialize like I do, you need three things. A stressful job under some sort of fire, a drunken roommate and a computer. You should also be interested in some stuff and go see it. But remember, it’s the stuff you’re there to see, not the people. Unless it’s an art show. Art sucks.