Restaurants are romantic. The lights are dim, the music is right and you’re being fed tasty morsels and wine by a handsome chap like me. None of this, however, is a reason to start groping your date and sticking your tongue down her throat. Your friend should never be upon your lap and your hand should never be up her shirt. People are trying to eat. You are disgusting.

But I know the people who need to hear that will never listen. So I’m going to concentrate on the darker side of restaurant romance. The flip side of the public dry hump. That is, the restaurant break-up.

The theory behind this stratagem is that breaking up in public will help one to avoid a scene. But do you know what really helps avoid a scene? Breaking up in private. That’s the very definition of avoiding a scene.

And I know some of you have probably done this. And some of you have probably had it done to you. But I wonder how many of you have seen it happen as many times as I?

With mating season arriving, people are clearing their unwanted lovers out of their lives. I have seen the break-up about once a week for about the past month. The first I saw in this round occurred the day after Valentines. Since then I have lost count. It’s gotten so bad that if I ever actually have a girlfriend and she asks me to dinner, I’d probably just break up with her to avoid the suspense. But, frankly, this is something that guys tend to do. We’re very brave.

Here’s how this works: You take your partner to a quiet seat in the back. You order your food and drinks. At some point — about halfway through the meal– you drop the bomb. A death silence descends. It does not leave. Hiroshima must have sounded the same way on August 7 1945. And I’ll be fucked if I’m going anywhere near you radioactive bastards. So you sit there for about half an hour. One of you is trying not to cry. The other is looking sheepish. Eventually someone comes up and pays me.

Because, fuck it . . . I am not interrupting this shit.

And that’s the standard routine. Yet, before you try this little number out, here’s something that you should know. Sometimes a scene does break out. It doesn’t happen often but it happens often enough. I have seen people burst into tears, start shouting, money getting thrown and so forth. It can get ugly. You really have to ask yourself: Is this a gamble that you want to take? I would guess no.

Think about it this way: If you break up in private some ugly shit will occur. But you have a guarantee that it will occur in private. If you do it in public, you do not have a guarantee that no ugly shit will occur. And it happens in public. Other people are watching. Self righteous misery loves an audience.

Be prepared to be the bad guy. No one will take your side over that of the hysterical woman. It’s just not in our nature. Doesn’t matter what she did. That’s theory. You just made her cry. That’s reality. And since you’re sitting at the back, you can look forward to a long walk of shame to the front door. Once outside, your fight will continue in the street. Good luck with that.

And ladies, bear this in mind: if you hit the guy, throw your drink at him or do anything short of stabbing him, the whole staff and the whole world will smile. But don’t continue the fight. Then you’ll just get on everyone’s nerves. Just stride out and leave him with the bill. It’ll probably be the first time he’s ever paid it and there’s no tip sweeter than the humiliation tip.