Let’s start at the beginning.  Tipping is almost everything. And it’s a huge topic.

It’s even in regular rotation on talk radio. When they have nothing better to say, they’ll do a a show that tells people how to tip. These shows would be laughable if they were not dangerous to my livelihood. Not only is their advice totally wrong, they also complicate things and ask the wrong people. That is, the customers. And not just customers but the sort of customers who call talk radio. That is, bad customers.

Some of these maniacs have bizarre ideas –probably learned from talk radio– like you tip on the bill before taxes or that not having a chair pulled out for them or a friendly conversation constitutes bad service. They also think that they should wait to be seated in a restaurant that has no sign saying: “PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED.” If you do not see that sign, take a risk: Just sit the fuck down. It’s not really that hard.

But I’ll assume that you’re a decent person and that you give a shit. Here’s how the numbers work.

If you are not actually angry at the waiter –for something in their control– you tip 15-20% on top of the total. (That means after taxes.) It is part of the bill. If you cannot afford that, you cannot afford to eat out. How do you know if you got 15% worth of service? You got your food, your drinks and your bill. That’s 15-20%.

Standard service on a standard night boils down to about 5 trips to a table: You’re given menus. A drink order is taken. Drinks are delivered. A food order is taken. Food is delivered. There is another trip to check up on you. Another to clear the table and ask if you need anything else. If you don’t and your drinks are done, you’re billed. If your drinks are not done and/or you want more, you’re checked up on again, gotten more drinks or billed then. And so forth. Until you’re done. No favors granted, none asked for.

That’s standard.

That’s 15-20%.

Now, there are exceptions but they all move up in price. Let’s say you order a 2 dollar coffee and then sit around for three hours. You are no longer tipping on percent. You are tipping on time. At the very least you tip two bucks. The proper 15% — that is, 30 cents– does not rent a table for hours. Neither does two bucks on a busy night. If you want to do that sort of thing, try Starbucks.

If you’re just drinking at the bar, a buck a drink is standard.

10-14% is means you are upset. There may have been a mistake without malice. There are sometimes misunderstandings because there are three stages of communication. You are sending a message to the waiter who sends it to the kitchen and/or the bartender. You ever play the telephone game? Well, it can be a bit like that. But that’s irrelevant. No one likes excuses. You received the wrong food or drink. The error was shoddily corrected and the waiter did not comp you anything. That’s 10-14%.

If the error was quickly corrected, you received an apology and perhaps a free side of something, then you’re back to 15%. These things happen and you plan on returning to the restaurant. Spite is useless. Show a bit of class and you will receive better service next time. You’d be surprised how far a bit of consideration goes. I would even say that the best way to ensure better service the next time is not to punish the server but to leave a better tip than normal. But it’s up to you and a lowered tip is understandable.

When you dip below 10% you have slapped the waiter. They have either dropped something on you, called your parentage into question or somehow made your unhappiness into a personal pursuit. You should never return to that restaurant. Not only because you have left a bad tip but because the service is bad. That’s what dipping below 10% says. I am never coming back.

Bad service does happen and I don’t always take the server’s side. I know of one place where the service is notorious. It’s incompetent and malicious. It’s completely out of line. I may not be friendly but I’m not mean. I’m just a robot. And you get your order quickly. Well, the place I speak of is mean, you don’t get your food/drinks and they act like assholes. One customer had enough. They took a Guinness mug to the washroom, shat in it and left it in the urinal. Knowing that place, I side with the customer.

I also think the customer must have been in service. It would take someone who actually knows what they were looking at to get that angry and to be that sure of their anger. It would also take someone who actually knows what they were doing to launch that sort of assault.

But that sort of thing is exceptional. Just like a tip above 20%. If you leave tips like that on memorable bills, here’s what you can expect: You’re a priority. You can even make special requests and expect the waiter to do their best to fulfill them. Money talks and bullshit walks. Servers and customers both need to understand this. That’s the contract. It’s sacred.