[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1LlUAAOxy8&rel=1]

Last week’s news was all Castro this, Balkans that, and American missile test etc. We’re back in the cold war. And thank God for that.

I’m old enough to remember when the Russians were our fearsome enemies. Then some fucker pulled all that Hollywood propaganda out from under me. Next thing I know, there’s “Red Heat” – a cop buddy movie with James Belushi and Arnie. They both learn from each other. Belushi learns a healthy disrespect of human rights and Arnie learns an unhealthy love of greasy food.

In Rocky 4, the underdog, low-tech American didn’t just pound the crap out of an evil, super-advanced Russian, using nothing but grit and the eye of the tiger, he suddenly started telling me that we can all be friends. The Russians cheered for him.

Instead of cool shit like “Red Dawn” where kids kill evil Russians, Hollywood started selling me movies where kids rescue a KGB agent and they all end up reading “War and Peace” together. I can’t even remember the name of that movie.

But I remember the disappointment.

Is it any wonder that I don’t believe anything? You can’t just go around changing a kid’s hate and fear like that. It’ll screw them up.

So, programmed then deprogrammed, they started trying to program me again. We searched for new enemies. I had to endure Columbian drugs lords, Arabs, North Koreans and even, for a while in the late nineties, aliens. Aliens of all things!

But none of these inspired the fear and respect of the Russians. Even the terrorists suck. We just don’t respect them enough. They don’t make us feel like underdogs. Some part of us secretly loved the Russians.

We loved them so much, we went out and became them.

The cold war is back but the casting is different. This time Putin stars as Reagan and the West gets to play the Soviets. Instead of just watching trials like they’re shows, America is actually throwing its first show trial –something straight out of Stalin’s handbook – they have gulags in Eastern Europe and Cuba and –get this– we’ve even invaded Afghanistan.

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We’re attacking the world to spread our political/economic system. And “every day our war machines lose ground to a bunch of poorly trained, poorly equipped freedom fighters.” We’re the Russians and the Russians are . . . Well, I guess they’re the Russians too.

And I’ve picked my side. Me. That’s my side.