Alcoholics Anonymous is an evil cult. Their meetings lead to nothing except more meetings. You never outgrow it, you never “get better” you just keep discovering problems you didn’t even know you had. Mark the sober days off on your calender like you’re in prison and earn your little badge.

It disgusts me.

The people who join this club –the so-called alcoholics– are the obnoxious drunks. They’re not the fun or funny ones, they’re the bad ones. That’s why they had to quit drinking. We all know one. Some of us were one. What sane person would want to be a room full of these assholes? It’s bad enough if one of them is in the room.

But I do have friends who have ended up this cult. And I do know that it’s one thing to hate and another to propose an alternative. They have 12 steps so here’s mine. I hope it helps but I doubt it will. Drunk or sober, some people never listen.

1. You have and always had complete power over yourself.  (Unless you were drunk.)  No bottle of booze in the whole history of the world has ever drank itself.

2. Make a list of all the people you have harmed through being drunk. Rip that list up. Fuck them if they can’t take a joke. Apologizing won’t change shit. They forgive you? So what? You don’t deserve it. And just who do they think they are anyway?

3. You probably acted like an asshole. It wasn’t because you were drunk. It’s because you are an asshole. Get to know and love your inner asshole. Bring him under control.

4. Don’t get all high and mighty about not drinking. That’s even worse than being drunk. There is nothing wrong with alcohol. The problem is that you’re an asshole. Try not to be a sober asshole. Now you don’t even have an excuse.

5. Being around drunks is fun. Every benefit you ever got from being drunk, you can get from being around drunks. They’re social so you don’t need to be. They do and say stupid things so you don’t have to. They are noble. Love your drunken friends. And buy them a fucking drink. Just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you have to be dead weight. Buying a pop also means you should tip more. 2 bucks on a drink at least. It’s the only thing that will keep you from looking like a total prick.

6. You must train your memory until you can’t remember anything someone did while they were drunk. You’re not a witness. You’re at a party.

7. Keep your old friends. Only a total prick would stop hanging out because they quit drinking. These people are your friends. Remember that time they pulled you off that car before the police arrived? That’s more than what your sober friends will ever do for your dumb ass. Drunks are great people. Forget that at your peril.

8. Make some new friends who never knew you when you drank and who would be devastated and disapointed by the consequences. Social pressure works both ways. Balancing it is easy.

9. Develop some new vices. You’re fucked up. That’s not going to change. You need a new hobby to get all obsessive about.

10. Do not expect happiness. Wanting to be happy all the time is what got you into this mess in the first place. No one is happy all the time. You’re just vomiting less.

11. Do and say really stupid things while sober — like speaking your mind. It’s much more rewarding. And no one thinks you’re an alcoholic for doing it. They’ll actually take you seriously and also think you’re an ass. It’s not the end of the world. Everyone is an ass.

12. Don’t drink.

Follow these rules and you won’t be on the road to recovery, you will be healed. Hallleujah brother. And no meetings at all.