The election in Ontario is over. Norman Bates lookalike Dalton McGuinty and his Liberals won. I thought this may be a chance to explain Canadian politics to my American readers. I know that they’re interested – particularly now that our dollar is worth so much more than their peso.
The first thing you need to understand is that Canadians, as a rule, hate all politicians. So when you hear us berate Bush, you shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that we’re democrats. We’re not. Canadians always vote for the person they hate least. We now have four or five parties to choose from.
There’s the Conservatives. This party is basically an American Fifth Column. So why do people vote for them? Usually it’s to punish the Liberals for something. Their hardcore supporters are basically hippies in suits. The hippies try to say “I’m a rebel” by wearing their little hippie outfits — funny hair and grubby clothes — while banging a drum and having peculiar dietary habits like veganism. Conservatives try to say “I’m a success” by wearing their little conservative outfits — suits and short hair — while talking on a bluetooth/blackberry and having peculiar dietary habits like eating lots of steak. Just like the hippies are anarchists because it makes a statement about who they are, some yuppies are conservatives because it’s part of the whole “I’m a success” package. They love America because they have an inferiority complex about being Canadian. They think that being born in Canada means you’re not as cool or successful as someone born in the states. They’re usually pretty annoying. Their women range from frumpy to hot and frightening. (To me, hot and frightening are the same thing.)
Then there’s the New Democratic Party. They’re socialists and the favored party of people who think that all their problems are caused by society and can be solved by society. No one really takes them seriously. (Not even the unions anymore.) It’s good when they have a voice –like in a minority government — because they do have some good ideas (healthcare) but I’m not sure that anyone actually wants to see these people run the country. They seem to believe what they say and they say some crazy shit. New Democrats are usually pretty annoying. Their women are either humorless university students or disgruntled and out of shape welfare cases who aspire to being factory workers.
The Liberals are who usually run Canada. It doesn’t mean the same thing up here as it does in the states. The Liberals are a conservative party. They don’t do anything except preserve the status quo. They’re also hopelessly corrupt — lying and stealing like most people breathe. But Canadians want two things from their government. The first is stability. We love stability. The Liberals provide it. We also want to bitch about high taxes and corrupt, lying government. The Liberals provide us with this pastime and we reward them by constantly voting them back in. Unless they’ve been caught stealing too much and then we vote in the Conservatives to punish them. The rest of the time we vote Liberal because we’re like an abused wife and they bought us flowers. They also seem less dangerous than everyone else. The Liberals are a cynical bunch of bureaucrats and we vote for them out of cynicism. They’re pretty annoying but, if you volunteer for them, they’ll probably hook you up with a job. I’ve met plenty of women who voted Liberal but I don’t think that I’ve ever actually met a Liberal.
Finally, there’s the Green Party. This is the party for people who have become so cynical that they can’t even bring themselves to vote for the Liberals anymore. Basically, if you’re the sort of person who feels guilty about not voting, you vote Green. They have a platform but I don’t know that anyone has heard it. Something to do about the environment? I guess so. I mean they’re called Greens and plants are green so it stands to reason. These people actually don’t annoy me because they don’t even know what they stand for. And their women are pretty, stoned, smart and friendly.
There’s also The Bloc Quebecois. They’re nationalist socialists who want Quebec to separate from Canada. Until then, they’ll take us for all we’re worth. The conservatives kiss their ass because if Canada breaks up we’ll all be Americans. The NDP kiss their ass because they think Quebecers are oppressed. The Liberals actually have a beef with them. I think The Bloc must be horning in on some of their rackets or maybe it’s because there’s nothing less stable than a country breaking apart. And who knows what the Greens think? The Bloc is annoying but very smart and actually has some good points. Their women are French and that’s good enough for me.
That’s politics in Canada and that’s why I voted for a cat.
4 comments
1 ping
"aunt linda"
October 16, 2007 at 9:01 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You nailed it!
rebecca
December 2, 2007 at 11:08 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
i voted green for the exact reason you stated.. didn’t want to set a bad example for my brother
thenonconformer
May 9, 2008 at 7:42 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
When we generally talk about active Conservative party support in Canada we tend to mean generally still only one province still, Alberta, and rather not really western Canada. The Conservative party would falsely like us all now still to believe that they are better, more honest, and are the clear decent folks. And we can also easily know that Albertans seem to want to want still a Big Canadian recognition now because as they say they a;sp have supposedly loads of wealth, or potential of wealth, actually that wealth seems to be personaly limited, even to one aspect, oil solely it seems. Any generally all Canadian, public recognition has to be earned still for all, by all, and now eastern Canada tends still in majority of citizens views not to support the Conservative platform, approach. That clear, undeniable fact tends to irritates clearly some of the Albertan and next so they the Conservative party members and supporters now they tend to falsely blame the news media for it, by even falsely labeling the news media as liberal, the CBC, and the other liberal news media, reporters, a supposedly still a very tarnishing, dirty word in Alberta equivalent there to their also bad words there of communistic, socialistic.
The word liberal ** can mean these days an immoral person, or in contrast it can also mean a compassionate, generous person. So now most of us in all of Canada clearly and rightfully, definitely now we would not dream of applying that word liberal, of personally being Kind, Generous now especially to most Albertan Conservatives, or to the new Conservatives too. Yes most of us we would not even dream of them know, as, being called as persons or a a party who are evident for their compassionate, even directly, firstly to the needs of the really poor persons, and we would rather rightfully think of them as still very very “conservative”, meaning clearly very selfish, self oriented, self centered persons. So Conservatives now trying to label the news media as being liberal, Liberal for most of us that still would be seen as a positive compliment rather in reality. Especially since the liberal news media is still rightfully now often seen as being more sensitive, considerate to the overall good welfare of all of the citizens of Canada, and definitely, clearly especially now over what the Albertan Conservatives, or the new Conservatives are like. The devil himself also often masquerades under a platform of godliness, honesty, justice, truth as well but you can actually know what he is like also now not by not what he says but what he actually does.. he still does bad things.. and some of the people who do try to win at all costs they seem forget this, and we can all see it still too, even as to what the Conservatives tend to be like too now.
The word Conservative is not even found in the KJV English translation of the Bible too, but the word liberal does exist there
(Prov 11:25 KJV) The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.
Ryan Oakley
May 10, 2008 at 1:08 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
A fat soul? Who needs that?
Grumpy’s Guide to the Canadian Parliamentary System « The Grumpy Owl
December 2, 2008 at 2:43 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
[...] would recommend that my American friends, read my guide to Canadian political parties here. This particular guide is about how our system actually works. It’s meant for certain [...]