I remember when SARS was happening in Toronto. Government officials appeared on television and not only told people to wash their hands, they even demonstrated how to wash their hands. They had a sink and everything. I remember thinking: What sort of fucking moron needs to be told to — let alone shown how to — wash their hands? My question has been answered.
It’s men.
Apparently men are filthy, stinking idiots. One third — that’s one in three, three in ten — of my fellow males are exactly the type of fucking moron that needs a government demonstration about hand-washing. And it’s actually getting worse. Less men are washing their hands after using the toilet. In public, no less.
Fellows, listen up. I know you want to get back to whatever it was you were doing before nature called. I understand that the twenty or so seconds it takes to wash your hands are precious and that you’ll never get them back. We live in a super high-tech, fast-paced world of uber-convenience and perhaps you feel that your hands should wash themselves. Maybe your refusal is some sort of protest against this awful encroachment upon your time. I understand and appreciate your point of view on this matter.
But here’s the sad truth.
Your hands do not wash themselves and no one wants to touch your piss fingers. So break out the fucking soap and stop disgusting me. My God man, if you cannot handle even this basic requirement of civilization, how the hell are we ever going to get back to the moon? There will never be world peace if you cannot even perform this most simple of duties. I don’t know how you managed to graduate from kindergarten but you are utterly shattering any hope that I have for a well mannered and civil anarchy. Do you need to be put at gunpoint to do this? To do something so self-evidentially in your and everyone’s benefit? Does there actually need to be a law? Should the police tell you when to eat as well?
Every time you take a piss – just in public, let’s start there – and you don’t wash your hands, the Grumpy Owl will shed a tear. Holy fuck – you people are killing me. I swear to God, you’re just killing me. Dead. I hope you’re all very happy.
2 comments
Minister Faust
September 19, 2007 at 2:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I used to be an usher at a Cineplex Odeon when I was in first year university. One of my tasks as an usher was to do light cleaning in the washrooms occasionally during my shift. I was initially stunned and disgusted to see how men left the washroom after using the urinals–and worse, after using the toilet stalls–without washing their hands.
I have no idea why some people don’t wash their hands. But it appears that a large group of men and boys regards hand washing as, at best, some esoteric ritual whose mystical benefits don’t jibe with their own religion.
Ryan Oakley
September 19, 2007 at 5:46 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I wonder what came after “stunned and disgusted”. Anything?
And this is in an environment where they’ll likely be sharing popcorn.
I need those new gloves.