A recent study has suggested that obesity is caused by a virus. Viruses are contagious. We now have scientific evidence that being around fat people may be bad for your heath. And since obesity is approaching smoking as the number one cause of preventable death, it’s pretty obvious what needs to be done. We must ban fat people from indoors.
Do you really want their second hand blubber making you sick? Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t care about catching Type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, a stroke, gallbladder disease or osteoarthritis. But have you thought about the children? They have no choice. By exposing your children to fat people, not only are you setting a bad example, you’re also endangering their health. You should think about the children. Is there anything more precious?
I would even say that if you knowingly expose your child to a fat person, you’re a child abuser and you should be charged. Locking them up in a car with some obese person, breathing out their virus in an enclosed space is definitely child abuse. I think we can all agree on that.
And, just as cigarette smoke offends some people’s sense of smell, the mere sight of fat people offends my sense of sight. Sight is much more important than smell. We should protect it. We need laws. My tastes should be legislated. That’s what laws are there for. To force you to avoid offending me.
Besides, we all have to pay for Healthcare. That means that no one should get it. If someone catches a case of the fats, they should be on their own. “Just had a heart attack? Well, we’d treat you except you’re fat, Mr. Fatty-Fat-Fat-Fat.” I, for one, do not want my tax dollars going to help the obese. My tax dollars should only help the healthy. Why should I pay for the sick when I’m not sick? It makes no sense. I mean, it would be fine if they were only endangering themselves but now they’re threatening to kill us all with their second hand chub.
Our anti fat cause needs a Heather Crowe. You know, a spokesperson. Some obese restaurant worker dying of some fat related disease, ideally a woman who doesn’t eat all that much but obviously caught the virus during her many shifts at the local diner. I work in a restaurant. Fat people love to eat. Why isn’t the government isn’t protecting me? They should, you know. They should also force me to wear a crash helmet. I’ve heard that head injuries kill people too.
2 comments
1 ping
Amie
September 2, 2007 at 12:00 am (UTC -5)
Yes, yes, YES!!! I fucking love it.
Anonymous
September 4, 2007 at 2:57 pm (UTC -5)
I am worried about the youngens! And what about that big fat guy in the red suit hanging out and infesting them. He has to be stopped and soon . The season to be jolly is fat approaching . Get the fat police out there now . Time is of the essence . Another concerned citizen .
Greediness Gene Makes You Hungry | The Grumpy Owl
November 16, 2010 at 2:57 pm (UTC -5)
[...] seems that we’ve found a variety of causes of obesity. Viruses, glands, and big bones. Just about everything is to blame except eating too much and not moving [...]