Yeah, I used to be a blond. Don’t know what happened. I’ll tell you this though – I still make that exact same mouth when I’m trying not to smile. Just look at that Facebook pic to your left.

Problems start to emerge in grade one. My teacher says: “You are a very happy boy Ryan, but I feel you should take school a little more seriously.” She also says: “You seem to be trying harder to line up well after recess. I hope you will keep working on this.” My ball bouncing abilities were also called into question. Well, Ms. Allin would be saddened to hear that I never learned to line up. But it would cheer her to know that I am now an expert ball handler. As for taking school seriously, I never got into the habit.

It also seems that I developed my theory of prose during grade one. (Who says the most with the least syllables wins.) Mrs. Allin reports: “Ryan’s stories are usually only two sentences long but he does make the effort to use interesting and descriptive words.” Sigh, I fucking wish I could still write a two sentence story.

Anyway, grade one is also when something important happened in the life of Ryan. My speech impediment — basically gone now — reared its ugly head. Mrs. Allin mentions it in the first paragraph of all three report cards from this year.

TERM 1: “Ryan enjoys speaking to the class during show and tell time. His speech impedes him somewhat but he doesn’t let it hold him back from getting up in front of others.”

TERM 2: “Even though his speech impedes him somewhat Ryan takes pleasure out of sharing his experiences and ideas.”

TERM 3: “Ryan has many good ideas which he likes to share but he needs to be encouraged to not get too excited when speaking because of his speech impediment.”

I have mixed feeling about that speech impediment. It made life difficult – well other people made it difficult – but it’s what caused me to start reading and writing for fun. It didn’t rob me of anything so much as it made a forceful trade. By the end of grade one I’m showing a “keen interest in checking books out of the library.” I don’t think that would have happened if I could have used my tongue to better effect.

It must be a bit difficult for other people to imagine, but a speech impediment basically means that every time you open your mouth, you don’t know what is going to happen. It adds a violent unpredictability to your conversation and your life. Some asshole is always going to say something. Then he has to learn that your fists are not as clumsy as your speech.

Books became conversations where I didn’t have to speak or fight. To this day, I fucking hate book readings. I still can’t pronounce half the words I know and purposely avoid using them in spoken interactions. Hearing someone read always makes me feel territorial and a bit ripped off. Like, I thought we didn’t have to do this aloud. Turns out we do.

Oh, I also became very interested in animals that hibernate and on Valentines Day “Ryan’s creativity was evident in a snow person that he made out doilies and construction paper. It was an exceptional piece of work.”