Although I’ve quit both I like to encourage this behavior in others. I don’t believe that there’s anything wrong with drinks or most drugs. I’m simply too stupid and ill-disciplined for them. Even a drop of potion is dangerous to a man of my special brand of moronism. While Dr. Jekyll may have his manners, Mr. Hyde certainly does not. And I would advise that if you, like me, have more Hyde than Jekyll than is decent or legal, that you too steer clear of drugs. They may lead to unpleasantness beyond trembling and vomiting on washroom floors.
But, having said that, I know my way around the territory and I’ll impart some of my wisdom about the subject of how to properly deal with drinks, drugs and the people on them.
There are a few basic rules – all of which, I’ve broken and, if you take enough, you will too – but the most important of them all is this: Being drunk or high gets someone a free pass for all sorts of behavior. You simply cannot take much of what a drug addled person says or does very seriously, unless it is very serious indeed. Waving weapons around, for example, is serious. Falling off a chair while insulting your parentage – is not. For God’s sake, consider the source, develop a thick skin and have a sense of humour. It will hold you in good steed.
As will generosity. If you have a bottle, don’t hoard or hide it like you’re shipwrecked. (Especially if you are. That sort of thing could get you eaten.) If you have cocaine, don’t skulk off to the washroom to take it alone. (Ideally, bring a lady of impeccable moral standing so that no one gets the wrong idea and, when they do, they will be all the more impressed.) There’s much to said for an illicit nip from a flask between friends and more to be said for the person clever enough to bring the flask. Try to be that person.
But there will be times when you’re a different sort of person – the sort of person who has been ordered to leave an establishment. Attempt to carry this off with aplomb. I’ve done it in a manner of ways – fighting bouncers, running, restrained, thrown bodily, spitting, smashing and yelling – and I’ve always found that simply leaving as if you did not want to be there anyway, is the easiest to explain to yourself the next day. If you can manage to bring a woman with you (I have) so much the better. There are worse ways to end the night.
Such as the drunk tank. This is perhaps the third worst way of ending a night but it does occasionally happen. Should you find yourself incarcerated, my best advice is to keep your voice down. People are trying to sleep. Yelling about how you’ve been done wrong and don’t belong there or otherwise making a racket, is just being a pain in the ass. And no one belongs there. It’s horrible.
So just take your medicine like a gentleman and try not to make a face. Apply this to hangovers as well. Working with one builds character.
Also, remember this as it applies to being around drunks, druggies and especially to being locked up with them: You are not invisible and you are alone. The police are not there to help you. Your lawyer, should you have one, is sleeping peacefully beside his beautiful wife in his distant mansion. (Actually, if you had mine, it’s more likely that he’s a few cells over and isn’t really a lawyer but that’s another story.) There is a time for wit and a time for violence. The essence of a gentleman is never confusing the two.
6 comments
Rob Owens
April 26, 2007 at 7:31 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What are those scuzzy stains on the door behind you in the photo?
Appears some “thing” is trying to get in the room from the top of the door.
BigKilla
April 27, 2007 at 2:09 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
That’s so me. I can’t drink. I turn into a raging penis with fists. And then a big baby when it’s hangover time. Never been one to be taken to the drunk tank though. I run away.
There’s a funny story about a guy I know who was walking drunk, stopped by a cop, pushed past him, got arrested for assaulting a police officer, drunk in public, then he vandalized the drunk tank an hour before he was to be released, and spent the rest of the day in the general population of the county jail. (Longest run-on sentence, ever)
Ryan Oakley
April 27, 2007 at 4:50 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Rob: Chipped paint. I like the door that way. It says abandoned cottage.
BK: My running skills while sober are doubtful. I find it makes me cough and have decided that it is unhealthy.
That’s a cute story. I heard a joke yesterday, which is totally unrelated, except that it’s a joke and a funny one at that.
How do you know a hippie has come to visit?
He’s still there.
Omar Cruz
May 3, 2007 at 9:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
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barnoz
December 9, 2007 at 1:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s a bit alarming you have a portrait of Kim Il Jong on your wall… a closet Stalinist at heart, Mr. Oakley?
Ryan Oakley
December 9, 2007 at 6:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I didn’t know that I was in the closet about that. That portrait has since been replaced with one of Stalin.