I’m afraid that this is the end of this particular theme week. Was it the shortest one ever? I’m not sure but I don’t think so. Either way, it’s over now. No more than a sad little cyber-sigh. I just couldn’t get into expressing myself through music.
Truth is, this last week has been pretty up and down for me.
It would be inappropriate to get into the details, but the ups have to do with the professional side of writing. The downs have been personal. I hope that I’ll have some good news soon but I doubt it. This hope thing – it’s dangerous. I keep that dog on a short leash. Lately, I’ve had that choke collar pulled tight.
My thinking has been . . . Well, it’s been screwy.
Deciding to never speak to X again could be a rather large mistake — one brought on by all this other shit. Sometimes I think I’m dealing with one thing when I’m really dealing with another. It’s not intentional. My mind is just a bit funny. It often slides sideways and I usually end up with a pink violin.
I might have made a mistake. If so, it was one that X didn’t exactly raise up in protest against. She was very noble and very kind. She told me that her feelings were irrelevant and that I had to do what was good for me. She even said that she would have understood if I didn’t even tell her how I felt and just vanished or if I popped back into her life. Once again, very nice. A little too nice and understanding, if you ask me, but nice and understanding all the same.
Yet, it just made me feel like a ghost to know that I can enter and leave her life without making any mark. I have achieved total irrelevance.
Perhaps, I’ve made an error but it does not matter to her and it should not to me. There is no sense in compounding my stupidity by making it indecisive. I simply must accept the mistake. My policy is the same as Honest Ed’s. No refunds.
It’s a cold comfort to know that I’m not the only one persisting in an error. She too is making a mistake or has made one. It’s astounding but I actually feel sorry for X.
When you get right down to brass tacks, I’m a pretty fine fellow. Certainly not perfect and not the best guy in the world, but I’m probably the best the world will offer her.
I’m a snappy dresser, witty and wise, have a heart as big as my nose, and my ears are flawless. My legs have been admired the whole Internet over. I’m sober but can still mix a dynamite drink; one that would certainly knock you back on your ass. Conversant on a wide variety of subjects, I can hold my own with scholars and crooks. I can cook and perform all sorts of useful household chores. I even like to cuddle. If I was a robot, I would be out her price range.
But I’m not a robot; I’m a ghost.
And one night, a long time from now, I’ll rattle my chains. X will wake up haunted and wish that I was really there. Some lucky man might even be snoring beside her. It won’t matter. She’ll wish that he was me. But he won’t be. No one is Ryan Oakley except Ryan Oakley. There’s no clones. They’re all murdered at birth.
She’ll curse her foolishness and she’ll rue the day. Like me, she’ll wonder where it all went wrong. Like me, she’ll wish she could fix it. And she’ll learn the same cruel lesson that I did.
It’s all Humpy Dumpty now.
When that happens, I only hope for a simple thing: I hope she goes easily back to sleep and feels better in the morning. I hope there’s some strong, soft arms to hug her, a purring cat to wake her and that all is well in her world.
But all I can do is hope. Because, like a ghost, I won’t be there.
5 comments
Anonymous
April 12, 2007 at 10:08 am (UTC -5)
Forgive me old chap, but I think you care too much . X has all the power and you have none . At least had none. Every relationship has one partner who is more relevant . My guess is, that not so long ago that was you .
Grumpy, methinks you do not suit the role of an apparition . Get on with living. That’s in your best interest and ultimately the best revenge if you are so inclined .
Ryan Oakley
April 12, 2007 at 4:47 pm (UTC -5)
You’re right. The power difference is actually why I terminated things.
It wasn’t like that until the end though.
And it’s done. I’m on with living. Fuck it.
Ryan Oakley
April 12, 2007 at 7:34 pm (UTC -5)
And I’d like to be clear about this point, if I was not: I’m not into revenge. I’m just stating a simple, indistubtable fact:
I kick ass and any woman would be lucky to have me. The poor girl has obviously gone quite mad.
I might be to blame for that. It is possible – perhaps even likely – that merely being with a man of my outstanding qualities inflated her ego and deranged her senses.
But I blame the brain addling chemicals in cat poo. Those beasts have her utterly under control. I hope that she one day realizes this and overthrows their tyranny.
Sadly, life is too short to waste time on insane people and I have already wasted enough.
Anonymous
April 12, 2007 at 8:58 pm (UTC -5)
Hmmmmm.
Very interesting . How many cats do you have ?
Ryan Oakley
April 12, 2007 at 9:26 pm (UTC -5)
That’s funny. Two.