I suppose that you may be wondering about how my week went. So let me tell you: It went poorly.
I felt like a ghost. Eventually I was left wondering if I ever want to even see X again. I still don’t know the answer to that. I just know that I’m sick of hurting. Really fucking sick of it.
But that wasn’t the worst part. X owns a television and gets cable. I hate television but I can’t help myself. If it’s there, I watch the stupid crap and my time just vanishes. It’s an awful invention. Easily more damaging than alcohol. I recommend that you destroy yours. You will never regret it.
And even television wasn’t the worst part. That honour belongs to the Pink Violin.
For some reason, I was seized by a peculiar madness. I wanted to be able to play the violin.
I saw one – a pink one – for sale at Honest Ed’s for $120. I must have it, I thought. Every gentleman should either paint badly, sing badly or play an instrument badly. But I do not trust my impulses so I sat down and thought about it for a day. Then I went out and bought the thing.
It was a huge mistake. It doesn’t work. It’s not just my incompetence. The thing simply does not work. Within five minutes I managed to snap half of the strings on it. Within ten minutes, I had snapped the other half. I managed to do this without even producing a sound, let alone a screech or a note.
This is when a wise man gives up. Yet I have never been encumbered with wisdom.
I decided that the bow and strings were the problem and bought a new bow and new strings. This violin does not tune. I did not snap these strings but it was useless all the same. This instrument has certain incurable problems that I won’t even get into. But I might as well have taken $200 of my hard-earned money, put it in the toilet and flushed. At least the toilet makes a noise.
This is when even a stupid man gives up. Yet I am encumbered with a special type of stupidity.
So now I’m determined to learn the damn violin. It may kill or deafen me and everyone around me but I am going to save my money and buy a good one. And I will learn it. Not overnight, I’m not insane. I am thinking in terms of decades. By the time I am fifty, I hope to be roughly competent. That is all. I want to be able to play by my fiftieth birthday. You know, so I have something to do while the cancer gnaws at me.
In the meantime, I have a very pink reminder of how stupid I am. How very fucking stupid I am. This was not an impulse purchase, you see. I thought about this. I sat down and thought and then I slept on it and thought some more. It was a reasoned decision and yet it was still totally wrong. I cannot even describe how disgusted I am with my mind. The damn thing is faulty. Not as faulty as the violin. Perhaps worse.
7 comments
Anonymous
April 9, 2007 at 9:32 am (UTC -5)
Don’t be too hard on yourself Grumpy. This violin thing is somehow connected to the X. You knew the cat sitting there could be dicey . You have to get rid of that pink thing . Get your money back . See how honest ED really is ! The pink should have been a dead giveaway .
Never mind .
Today is a new day for new and better fuck -ups. Try a mandolin maybe or a banjo . OK ..maybe not…
Anonymous
April 9, 2007 at 9:35 am (UTC -5)
Almost forgot .
Great to have you back
Amie
April 9, 2007 at 2:16 pm (UTC -5)
I thought the pink violin was a great idea.
Anonymous
April 9, 2007 at 9:20 pm (UTC -5)
It’s probably those 10 cups of tea i just drank. BUT! personally i think you should use the new pink violin as your ‘thing’ when you become a superhero/vigilante.. though i can’t think of any flattering superhero names for a man with a pink violin.. the most obvious i can think of is ‘The Pink Fiddler’ but that sounds abit dodgy.. Well i’m sure you’ll think of somthing. Good luck on your new career! kick some teeth in eh.
Anonymous
April 9, 2007 at 9:21 pm (UTC -5)
i like to say ‘think’ .. caffine. its a terrible drug.
Ryan Oakley
April 9, 2007 at 9:47 pm (UTC -5)
I think I’m more cut out for supervillianny than for even mediocre-heroism. The Pink Fiddler works well for a supervillian. A bit dodgy is the name of the game.
Rob Owens
April 10, 2007 at 11:49 pm (UTC -5)
Be satisfied you thought about he violin.
I did not think when I chose the piano.
Try playing a piano at a beach party.
Getting it there is most of the fun… no one wants to help get it back home.