I don’t really want to bash goths because they get enough of that and I don’t want to be shot by some fellow in a trenchcoat. But I will. Bash them, that is. The getting shot part is all up to you, loyal readers. Don’t let Grumpy down!

And I’m not even going to bash them that hard. Most of the goths I’ve known have been nice people. A bit dour, perhaps, but nice. And their women-folk are attractive. So this is really more of a friendly nudge than anything.

Today, while I was working, a couple of goths sat down fairly close to my work station, thus forcing their conversation upon me. Now, these were the sloppy variety of goths. You know the type, black clothes tucked into high boots but no makeup. They resemble Dracula, but Dracula who had the flu and is taking a few personal days to recover. Dressing down a bit and watching some television.

So, needless to say, I instantly disliked them. (I instantly dislike most people.) And I started to wonder: If you want to look scary, why wear black? That’s a rather understated and tasteful colour. There are shades of pink that excite much more horror than black. If you want to terrorize the imagination of all who behold you, I would recommend a sequined jumpsuit of some kind. Or white after Labour Day. Perhaps even a blazer with blue jeans.

And that was just their appearance. The conversation was worse. The fellow with the skull and crossbones on his hoodie was expressing his support of organic farming. An admirable position, perhaps, but I’m old fashioned. I think that if you’re going to wander about town with a big jolly roger on your chest, your brunch conversation should be confined to the traditional subjects of pillage and rapine. Between sips from your latte in a bowl, you should be discussing the maiden you ravaged during your most recent opium binge, not your support of a healthy tomato crop.

No. Never that.

But they were not as bad as the middle aged Buddhists who had their seat moments before. I swear to God, one actually said: “You know, the world would be a lot better if more people thought like you.” What was this grand statement based on? The woman’s refusal to associate with people who drank – not snorted – Coke. Their farming practises are apparently atrocious. That’s all well and good, but it’s not the sort of thing any sane person can discuss while eating pork and eggs. At least, not with a straight face.