If I were to close my eyes and try to think of the reasons Western Civilization is collapsing, I would see tonight’s fashion show at “The Bohemian Embassy Flats & Lofts“.
For five dollars — a price not warranting the red carpet outside — I was admitted entry and given two drink tickets. One of these I gave to my roommate, who dragged me to the thing, and the other I used to procure a Perrier. (Oh how the mighty have fallen!)
I spent the next hour looking at art that I could not distinguish from advertisements and advertisements that I could not distinguish from art. Except the adverts had nicer frames. Think about that for a moment. An advertisement in a frame. A nice frame. Real pretty, like.
The whole show was a jumped up real estate presentation hosted by a condo group that is attempting to appear cool. It was almost exclusively attended by people who probably couldn’t afford one of these condos but still wanted to look cool. (That’s what five dollars gets you in Toronto; a chance to put yourself on display like a rack of pork in a feast of vanity, ostentation and stupidity. A chance to impress people who will never even notice you because they’re too busy trying to impress you.)
There were art adorned rooms that showed you what the condos looked like. Believe me, the quality of the art was such that there was no danger of being distracted from the clumsy sales presentation . If I was a cynical man, I might suggest that was purposeful.
The fashion show itself was tolerable though the female designs were pedestrian and the menswear fugly. During the intermission, the audience was subjected to a “sensual dance routine”. It was the sort of thing that grade six girls do at school talent shows.
By this time, I was infinitely grateful that I did not have a screwdriver and hammer on hand. For, if I did, I surely would have shoved the screwdriver up my nose then used the hammer to drive it straight into my brain. Even if it took three blows, it would have been less painful and more rewarding than watching those women thrash around the runway, unencumbered by any sense of rhythm, to a cover of a Justin Timberlake song. And to think – you could buy a raffle ticket and perhaps win three hundred dollars worth of lessons in “health promoting sensual dance” from this group! That’s three hundred dollars worth of a totally valueless service. How do you put a price tag on that?
The hors d’oeuvres were nice though. Darling little hamburgers. They were cute and made me feel like some sort of crazy giant.
If you want to see more of the show and read more pithy remarks, I have a set on flickr here
5 comments
Anonymous
February 16, 2007 at 9:45 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Is it just me or do those girls in the picture look like they’re trying to rip off Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance? ‘Cause if they are, they’re looking at a lawsuit.
mona lisa
February 16, 2007 at 10:57 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
ouch, it looks like it hurt. bummer about the balcony, but i always say balconies=broken legs.
Ryan Oakley
February 17, 2007 at 1:08 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If, by Lord of the Dance, you mean the “We are a bunch of twits and someone stole our medication and replaced it with bop pills and oh, by the way, we all just escaped from a mental institution dance” then yes. It was exactly like that.
ML – That’s why you have to aim for the pit full of spikes and crocodiles. Don’t they teach you anything in American schools?
Anonymous
February 17, 2007 at 5:04 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Another reason to move to Somalia.
They’re marketing ‘cool’?
Have you been outside in Canada during Winter?
Streets are ghostly white with salt residue. Snow falls, gets mixed with waste and pollution, then freezes into a shit brown colour until July.
People, half-mad from the insane cold, dash across streets uncaring of traffic or slippage just to get back indoors.
Skin peels from the dryness of being constantly in uber-heated homes.
We are Canadian. We cannot be cool when we must be so fucking practical.
Tell the marketers to stick to Hockey and Beer. Leave the South Beach BS alone. It looks stupid.
Elliot
ryan
February 18, 2007 at 6:28 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Our vanity is now so large that the Canadian winter can’t even cure it.