I almost always love the gadgets they have at Up To You. (It’s a good store, run by nice people and you should go.) But I cannot support this Kleenex Dispensing Pillow. There is a simple reason.
Kleenex can kill you. It almost killed me.
I was fifteen years old and bed ridden with bronchitis in the Dominican Republic. (I had been a bit liberal in my smoking of cigars and drinking of rum.) Because my nose was running, I had a wad of Kleenex in my hand.
Now, you know how you inhale deeply after you cough? Well, I did that and managed to inhale some Kleenex. It became wedged in my throat and started to expand as it absorbed moisture. I pointed at my throat and my father applied the Heimlich Maneuver. Though I could feel the wad moving, it was not moving enough. He tried reaching into my throat to pull the Kleenex out. I remember seeing his fingers covered in blood. But no Kleenex.
Then things started to go dark. I realized that I was going to die and all I could think was: “Everyone will wonder, why was he eating Kleenex.” Other than that, I felt great. The brain must release some kick-ass chemicals when you think you’re going to die. I honestly wasn’t concerned. Just embarrassed.
I passed out. But, when I lost consciousness, my body relaxed enough to have the Kleenex ejected by a final Heimlich maneuver. I lived – obviously – though a paramedic later told me that I was extremely lucky. Apparently that shit is one of the worst things you can choke on. It dries out your throat while expanding – a bad combination.
So, if you want to live – do not buy that pillow. Buy something else instead. I recommend the lovely tank vase pictured below. It’s quite popular in Paris. And you can put it on the coffins of the friends you’ve lost to tissues.
