Wow.

This shit is as cold as a corpse’s hand. I could understand someone killing Blitzen, Dasher or any of those other jock idiots. But Rudolph?

I always had a soft spot for Rudolph. I even liked his song. But all of that’s over now. Rudolph is dead.

Who did this? Usually it would be a no brainer. Krampus. But this year things are a bit different. The North Pole has gone all crazy, Twin Peaks style, and anyone could be responsible.

Even Santa. We’ve all seen how he’s been behaving lately. Drinking, fighting, molesting and killing, he sure ain’t the Santa that Coke endorsed. Nope, this guy is playing Rodman to his old fashioned Jordan image. He’s the new edgy Santa and he’s capable of anything. Rock out Santa! Rock out, indeed. Perhaps, even rock out with your cock out.

There’s the elves. I’ve already covered their labor troubles. Perhaps this is some sort of job action. Maybe some sort of Elf Yakuza shit is going down on the top of the world and this is a reply to Snowball’s death. Or maybe they were just drunk and rowdy and things got out of hand. I suspect we’ll never know, but if we see an elf get hit I’d say the reindeer were responsible.

That brings us to our third group of suspects; the other reindeer. I doubt they did this. True, there was a lot of jealousy but that was all behind them. Furthermore, reindeer have hooves and can’t tie a knot to save their lives.

The last suspect is, of course, Mrs. Claus. I shudder to think of it but it is well known in certain circles that Santa had been spending a lot of time in the stables lately. No one is quite sure what he’s been up to but we can all guess. As the bard said: “Hell hath no fury like an old elf woman scorned.”

We’ll just have to wait and see. But I’ll wager that we haven’t seen the last of this sort of thing. The North Pole is getting crazy. No one up there is safe.